AL GORE! Seriously. That was the most surreal moment of the night for me.
The Raconteurs play Video Killed the Radio Star. I wish I was at the VMAs to watch them perform. I cry softly to myself.
Jennifer Lopez and her turban she ripped off from Tori Spelling strut out onstage to present Video of the Year. You could cut glass on her cheekbones. She talks about good videos like Jeremy and Sledgehammer and asks "What will this new video define?"
"Ass" is my response.
She pimps the new MTV channel for Latinos. We'll see if they play music videos. I figure somewhere along the line, MTV 238239478238942983749287348923746856388239292 will play videos.
Panic At the Disco wins. Wow. They even look fluffy and poncy out of costume. OK THIS IS AWESOME. Some guy named Six jumps on the stage and says MTV never gave him his show that they said they'd give him. He's promptly escorted offstage for a beating with a bottle of Crystal by Diddy's manservant.
Panic continues to look poncy and they thank everyone. I thank the heavens that some crazy happened.
Jack Black introduces Axl Rose -- who looks like a strange hybrid of Danny Bonaduce and....no. He just looks like Danny Bonduce. He cusses a little and introduces The Killers (which should be renamed Bradon Flowers Pornstache).
The Killers are on stage, looking like a bunch of gay bikers as they perform their new song, When You were Young. After all the choirs of children, costumes, pretentious dancers and stupid makeup, I actually am happy to see a band that FUCKING PLAYS AND SINGS instead of creates a three-minute drama with a shitty backing track.
Jack Black comes out, thanks The Ranconteurs and the audience. John Norris and his fug haircut comes on and I'm out.
Big ups to Erich for IMing with me! Thank you! Yay Six for bringing the crazy!
Showing posts with label VMAs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label VMAs. Show all posts
Thursday, August 31, 2006
2006 VMAs: So close to the end.
And we're back just as The Raconteurs finish up. Just my fucking luck.
Jack Black introduces Black Eyed Peas, with Kyle G. Yay Kyle! The rappers give shout-outs and it gets stupid. Kyle muscles his way to the podium and said he joined Black Eyed Peas "I guess I'm more famous than you."
Jack goes running offstage crying. Justin Timberlake is making a shelf "with a little hook for your keys" and Jack Black kicks him out (which actually makes me laugh). After Jack's temper tantrum, Kyle comes in and they hug and make up. Awww. It's sweet and funny.
Now Tenacious D is onstage singing about friendship and thunder. Half the lyrics you can't hear because they're bleeped out. But Tenacious D still rocks. You can't hate a group who has the song "Fuck her Gently."
Jack introduces the cast of Jackass. Mercifully they're not naked. But I'm fairly certain there will be ball punching. Unless there was a last minute voting blitz, it looks like Fall Out Boy will win. I was right. Wee man punched Bam in the balls for calling him a midget.
Fall Out Boy wins "We're going down tuuuu in a luleelurah!". Wacky hijinks and ball punching ensues.
Now it's Queen Latifah, who gives a speech about the environment, and in the WTF moment of the night, Al Gore shows up. If he does stand-up comedy my brain will explode. He does a joke about being the sexy in bringing the sexyback.
He looks more relaxed and cool. What happened to this guy? Why didn't he run for president instead of the Gorebot 2000? Al does a little presentation on global warming, for the people that didn't see An Inconvenient Truth.
And we're done with the politically thoughtful moment and it's now back to the fluff!
Jack Black introduces Black Eyed Peas, with Kyle G. Yay Kyle! The rappers give shout-outs and it gets stupid. Kyle muscles his way to the podium and said he joined Black Eyed Peas "I guess I'm more famous than you."
Jack goes running offstage crying. Justin Timberlake is making a shelf "with a little hook for your keys" and Jack Black kicks him out (which actually makes me laugh). After Jack's temper tantrum, Kyle comes in and they hug and make up. Awww. It's sweet and funny.
Now Tenacious D is onstage singing about friendship and thunder. Half the lyrics you can't hear because they're bleeped out. But Tenacious D still rocks. You can't hate a group who has the song "Fuck her Gently."
Jack introduces the cast of Jackass. Mercifully they're not naked. But I'm fairly certain there will be ball punching. Unless there was a last minute voting blitz, it looks like Fall Out Boy will win. I was right. Wee man punched Bam in the balls for calling him a midget.
Fall Out Boy wins "We're going down tuuuu in a luleelurah!". Wacky hijinks and ball punching ensues.
Now it's Queen Latifah, who gives a speech about the environment, and in the WTF moment of the night, Al Gore shows up. If he does stand-up comedy my brain will explode. He does a joke about being the sexy in bringing the sexyback.
He looks more relaxed and cool. What happened to this guy? Why didn't he run for president instead of the Gorebot 2000? Al does a little presentation on global warming, for the people that didn't see An Inconvenient Truth.
And we're done with the politically thoughtful moment and it's now back to the fluff!
2006 VMAs: Longer than the Bataan Death March
And we're back. Xtina is on, dressed in a smokin' red dress and singing some soulful ballad song. The girl's got pipes of doom, I have to say. I also like the new look. Like the ladies at Go Fug Yourself, I also "bask in the glow of Jordan Bratman's style-healing wang."
Jack Black is back! He introduces Lou Reed and Pink. I can't help but wonder who's more drunk/stoned in this pairing. Pink sings a little bit of "Dear Mr. President" It would've been cooler if she wailed out the whole thing. Lou Reed confesses his love for Pink and how he'd love it if MTV would play more rock. You and me both Lou.
AFI wins Best Rock Video for Miss Murder. I continue to feel old. Who the hell are AFT and why do they wear more makeup than I EVER have?
And I think you're not a rock band if you're thanking your attorney.
Yay! Raconteurs with the dude from ZZ Top. They rock. It sounds dirty and good. And they cut to commercial to deny me my happiness.
Jack Black is back! He introduces Lou Reed and Pink. I can't help but wonder who's more drunk/stoned in this pairing. Pink sings a little bit of "Dear Mr. President" It would've been cooler if she wailed out the whole thing. Lou Reed confesses his love for Pink and how he'd love it if MTV would play more rock. You and me both Lou.
AFI wins Best Rock Video for Miss Murder. I continue to feel old. Who the hell are AFT and why do they wear more makeup than I EVER have?
And I think you're not a rock band if you're thanking your attorney.
Yay! Raconteurs with the dude from ZZ Top. They rock. It sounds dirty and good. And they cut to commercial to deny me my happiness.
2006 VMAs: Send alcohol now!
Mmmm. Ranconteurs. Why can I picture them in a seedy bar and rocking the joint?
Jack Black suggests that he and Jack White start a band together. "What do you think Jack White?"
Jack White: *shrug*
They got to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Britney looks very, very pregnant and the black hair doesn't really suit her at all. However, she's not dressed like a crazy trailer-trash Jerry Springer reject, which is refreshing. Kevin still looks scuzzy. The do a tongue-in-cheek thing about losing the baby.
"Ladies and gentlemen, don't panic! A midget has stolen a mini car from Britney Spears," snarks Jack Black. Hehe.
Beyonce wins a Moonman for Check on It. She's actually wearing an outfit that looks kinda cute. Means that her mom's not dressing her.
Kanye comes out to present the Video Vanguard Award to Hype Williams. I can't hate on Hype. He's defined a certain style, which -- love it or hate it -- is instantly recognizable, from the letterbox to the blingtastic style.
My personal favorite Hype video? California Love. Somehow the Road Warrior concept became cool instead of cheesy. But Missy Elliott's video The Rain is also pretty fly.
Dancers come out reenacting Busta's Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See (also a good video). Missy's on for The Rain, dressed in the overinflated suit, driving a little jeep (which I suspect she stole from Brit) and looking like the video.
Hype comes out, with a model who looks like a 7-foot tall Amazon. Hype thanks everyone, he looks slick in a suit and thanks everyone. I can't hate on the man, he created a style that's often copied.
HOLY SHIT! Sarah Silverman's done with her makeup. They play the Paris Hilton song again. My brain cells die slowly. Silverman jokes that Paris Hilton needs to lose weight. Wow. That's awful. I know she's being sarcastic, but it's just kinda stupid.
However, her pot shot against Paris and Nicole making up on Letterman this fall was kind of funny.
Jack Black suggests that he and Jack White start a band together. "What do you think Jack White?"
Jack White: *shrug*
They got to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Britney looks very, very pregnant and the black hair doesn't really suit her at all. However, she's not dressed like a crazy trailer-trash Jerry Springer reject, which is refreshing. Kevin still looks scuzzy. The do a tongue-in-cheek thing about losing the baby.
"Ladies and gentlemen, don't panic! A midget has stolen a mini car from Britney Spears," snarks Jack Black. Hehe.
Beyonce wins a Moonman for Check on It. She's actually wearing an outfit that looks kinda cute. Means that her mom's not dressing her.
Kanye comes out to present the Video Vanguard Award to Hype Williams. I can't hate on Hype. He's defined a certain style, which -- love it or hate it -- is instantly recognizable, from the letterbox to the blingtastic style.
My personal favorite Hype video? California Love. Somehow the Road Warrior concept became cool instead of cheesy. But Missy Elliott's video The Rain is also pretty fly.
Dancers come out reenacting Busta's Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See (also a good video). Missy's on for The Rain, dressed in the overinflated suit, driving a little jeep (which I suspect she stole from Brit) and looking like the video.
Hype comes out, with a model who looks like a 7-foot tall Amazon. Hype thanks everyone, he looks slick in a suit and thanks everyone. I can't hate on the man, he created a style that's often copied.
HOLY SHIT! Sarah Silverman's done with her makeup. They play the Paris Hilton song again. My brain cells die slowly. Silverman jokes that Paris Hilton needs to lose weight. Wow. That's awful. I know she's being sarcastic, but it's just kinda stupid.
However, her pot shot against Paris and Nicole making up on Letterman this fall was kind of funny.
2006 VMAs: Are we there yet?
It's only 9 p.m.? FUCK!
NeYo and Rihanna are on to present the best ringtone. WTF? A RINGTONE IS NOT A FUCKING VIDEO? Did a miss a memo?
Fort Minor wins for Where'd Ya Go and the audience flashes their Sidekicks. I wish I was joking.
And now Fall Out Boy, looking like a bunch of British fops, come out and introduce Panic! At the Disco.
PAtD is performing the song "I write sinning songs of tragedies" or some shit like that. They're dressed up like a weird mix of the Mad Hatter, goths, French Revolution and some cheap Victorian costumes. I think the pretentiousness level has hit code red now.
The dancers, who look like they're supposed to be victorian ladies in hoop skirts are dancing a bit too vigorously for those kinds of outfits. I'm surprised they haven't taken someone out with a hoop skirt. Then the confetti comes out, the girls collapse and my brain goes splat.
Jack Black comes on and jokes about how the song's an indictment about the country's foreign policy "Well played!"
Fergie and the assiest song next to My Humps (London Bridge) come out to present the
Best New Artist award and Little Miss Sunshine comes out to dance. She looks adorable and shy. Why is she here?
Avenge Sevenfold win for Bat Country, a homage/rip-off of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The audience is considerably subdued. Maybe they should've had a clown or something in their video.
Is everyone drunk when they give their acceptance speeches?
During this time, Erich (who's IMing me) has a great observation:
"It just occurred to me, they aren't the Music Video Awards, they're the Video Music Awards. Which I guess is kind of like saying, 'We tape people playing music while handing out awards.'"
I love my friends.
NeYo and Rihanna are on to present the best ringtone. WTF? A RINGTONE IS NOT A FUCKING VIDEO? Did a miss a memo?
Fort Minor wins for Where'd Ya Go and the audience flashes their Sidekicks. I wish I was joking.
And now Fall Out Boy, looking like a bunch of British fops, come out and introduce Panic! At the Disco.
PAtD is performing the song "I write sinning songs of tragedies" or some shit like that. They're dressed up like a weird mix of the Mad Hatter, goths, French Revolution and some cheap Victorian costumes. I think the pretentiousness level has hit code red now.
The dancers, who look like they're supposed to be victorian ladies in hoop skirts are dancing a bit too vigorously for those kinds of outfits. I'm surprised they haven't taken someone out with a hoop skirt. Then the confetti comes out, the girls collapse and my brain goes splat.
Jack Black comes on and jokes about how the song's an indictment about the country's foreign policy "Well played!"
Fergie and the assiest song next to My Humps (London Bridge) come out to present the
Best New Artist award and Little Miss Sunshine comes out to dance. She looks adorable and shy. Why is she here?
Avenge Sevenfold win for Bat Country, a homage/rip-off of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The audience is considerably subdued. Maybe they should've had a clown or something in their video.
Is everyone drunk when they give their acceptance speeches?
During this time, Erich (who's IMing me) has a great observation:
"It just occurred to me, they aren't the Music Video Awards, they're the Video Music Awards. Which I guess is kind of like saying, 'We tape people playing music while handing out awards.'"
I love my friends.
Your witty VMA title here for a small fee
Sarah Silverman is still getting her makeup on? WTF? Are they applying Spackle or something?
She says something about how doing drugs makes you less creative. There's a tape of her doing a joint with the crew and there's a naked pyramid. I think it's supposed to be funny.
They show the winners of Best Direction, Best Special Effects (go Missy Elliott!) and thenShitty Diddy comes on. He thanks them for making Danity Kane #1. Now if they actually released the single Sleep on It, I might like them a little more, instead of just liking the show and thinking some of the songs are ass.
T.I. comes out with some other dude. I continue to feel old because I have no idea who the fuck T.I. and his people are. I just know T.I. should pull his pants up.
Suddenly a bunch of kids come out from the bottom of the stage to dance and sing the chorus. The pretentiousness level of the awards show is upgraded to orange. The crowd eats the shit up.
Jack Black is on again and he introduces Jared Leto and her gothy highness Amy Lee. Jared Leto looks like some sort of goth poet who I want to hit. Jared talks about having sex with three, four, five women for the best group video. I roll my eyes as the obvious cheese.
GNARLS BARKLEY BETTER WIN FOR BEST GROUP AWARD DAMMIT! Shit. All American Rejects win. I think that they're sipping whatever Pink was drinking. The lead singer looks sloshed, girls are going nuts.
"We're standing in front of a thousand people?" the lead singer asks. The moonman drops and the flag breaks off. They're drunkety, drunk, drunk, drunk.
YAY! More Ranconteurs! Which means it's time for commercials.
She says something about how doing drugs makes you less creative. There's a tape of her doing a joint with the crew and there's a naked pyramid. I think it's supposed to be funny.
They show the winners of Best Direction, Best Special Effects (go Missy Elliott!) and then
T.I. comes out with some other dude. I continue to feel old because I have no idea who the fuck T.I. and his people are. I just know T.I. should pull his pants up.
Suddenly a bunch of kids come out from the bottom of the stage to dance and sing the chorus. The pretentiousness level of the awards show is upgraded to orange. The crowd eats the shit up.
Jack Black is on again and he introduces Jared Leto and her gothy highness Amy Lee. Jared Leto looks like some sort of goth poet who I want to hit. Jared talks about having sex with three, four, five women for the best group video. I roll my eyes as the obvious cheese.
GNARLS BARKLEY BETTER WIN FOR BEST GROUP AWARD DAMMIT! Shit. All American Rejects win. I think that they're sipping whatever Pink was drinking. The lead singer looks sloshed, girls are going nuts.
"We're standing in front of a thousand people?" the lead singer asks. The moonman drops and the flag breaks off. They're drunkety, drunk, drunk, drunk.
YAY! More Ranconteurs! Which means it's time for commercials.
Which is worse? Boring or irritating?
So I'm thinking right now...which is worse -- to be boring or irritating? I'm not sure why I'm thinking that...
And we're back to the VMAs!
John Norris' hair continues to scare the living shit out of me. He urges people to check out the MTV Web site which has a bazillion cameras streaming online. Now you can catch the boredom in 500 different angles!
And there's more The Ranconteurs! I wish I could hear them play, instead of American All Rejects.
Pictures of people are shown online. That's what happens when you send your picture -- it goes up as part of set decoration. Whee.
Snoop Dogg comes out for Best Rap Video. He's drinking, and now, I wish I was too. He talks about feeling old after seeing some of the new kids. I see Kelis in the audience. HI BOSSY! Snoop Dogg talks about wanting a joint. I'm surprised he's not lighting up right now.
The winner is Chamillionaire. I have no idea who he is. Ice-T and his wife's boobs congratulate him. I now feel really, really old. Chamillionaire talks about having his interview with 2020 being cancelled. Apparently this award makes up for it. I suppress the urge to make some smartass comments.
Beyonce is on now to sirens! She comes rappelling down like pre-crazy Tom Cruise singing her song Ring the Alarm. Jack booted thugs come out and try and restrain her as she sings about how she's pissed the man that dumped her has found another.
I think that I could like the song if it wasn't about wailing about how she couldn't get over some guy. How many times have we heard songs like that before? The "IF YOU LEAVE ME I'LL CUT YOU" songs?
Beyonce does some Rhythm Nation dancing with her backup crew. They're all dressed in trench coats, and black body suits. It's kinda neat, but the song just irritates me that much. The stage rises and Beyonce continues to have a convulsion about how she "can't let you go."
Girl. Eat some ice cream, call your friends and have a good bitch. You'll feel better. Seriously.
And we're back to the VMAs!
John Norris' hair continues to scare the living shit out of me. He urges people to check out the MTV Web site which has a bazillion cameras streaming online. Now you can catch the boredom in 500 different angles!
And there's more The Ranconteurs! I wish I could hear them play, instead of American All Rejects.
Pictures of people are shown online. That's what happens when you send your picture -- it goes up as part of set decoration. Whee.
Snoop Dogg comes out for Best Rap Video. He's drinking, and now, I wish I was too. He talks about feeling old after seeing some of the new kids. I see Kelis in the audience. HI BOSSY! Snoop Dogg talks about wanting a joint. I'm surprised he's not lighting up right now.
The winner is Chamillionaire. I have no idea who he is. Ice-T and his wife's boobs congratulate him. I now feel really, really old. Chamillionaire talks about having his interview with 2020 being cancelled. Apparently this award makes up for it. I suppress the urge to make some smartass comments.
Beyonce is on now to sirens! She comes rappelling down like pre-crazy Tom Cruise singing her song Ring the Alarm. Jack booted thugs come out and try and restrain her as she sings about how she's pissed the man that dumped her has found another.
I think that I could like the song if it wasn't about wailing about how she couldn't get over some guy. How many times have we heard songs like that before? The "IF YOU LEAVE ME I'LL CUT YOU" songs?
Beyonce does some Rhythm Nation dancing with her backup crew. They're all dressed in trench coats, and black body suits. It's kinda neat, but the song just irritates me that much. The stage rises and Beyonce continues to have a convulsion about how she "can't let you go."
Girl. Eat some ice cream, call your friends and have a good bitch. You'll feel better. Seriously.
All hail the flying tomato!
Shaun White, the gold medal, flying tomato comes out and introduces the Jackass crew who urges people to vote for the Viewer's Choice award. A lobster grabs Steve-O's tongue.
I can't believe teen girls are letting teen boys, who idolize these fools, fuck them.
Jack Black introduces Paris Hilton. MTV chooses to play her new single as she comes on and my brain attempts to eat itself. Paris is wearing black boots and a white dress that apparently is a tribute to her ferret destroying a roll of toilet paper. Either that or it's a Big Bird outfit, only bleached white. She introduces All American Rejects, who perform Move Along.
Yep. They're the All American Rejects. It's a song. I contemplate going to the bathroom and getting glass of wine to make this more interesting.
Nick Lachey and Nicole Richie come out. Nicole has the good sense to wear something less hideous than Paris, but the girl still needs to eat a cheeseburger -- or 12.
They present Best Pop Video. I so hope Stupid Girls wins, but the category actually has videos that I wouldn't throw rocks at: Madonna's Hung Up, Nelly Furtado's Promiscuous, Shakira's Hips Don't like and Christina's Ain't No Other Man.
YAY! Pink wins! She's got a weird hairdo where the front looks all curly and stuff and the back is shaved. She's chomping on her gum and looks and sounds drunk as hell.
I can't believe teen girls are letting teen boys, who idolize these fools, fuck them.
Jack Black introduces Paris Hilton. MTV chooses to play her new single as she comes on and my brain attempts to eat itself. Paris is wearing black boots and a white dress that apparently is a tribute to her ferret destroying a roll of toilet paper. Either that or it's a Big Bird outfit, only bleached white. She introduces All American Rejects, who perform Move Along.
Yep. They're the All American Rejects. It's a song. I contemplate going to the bathroom and getting glass of wine to make this more interesting.
Nick Lachey and Nicole Richie come out. Nicole has the good sense to wear something less hideous than Paris, but the girl still needs to eat a cheeseburger -- or 12.
They present Best Pop Video. I so hope Stupid Girls wins, but the category actually has videos that I wouldn't throw rocks at: Madonna's Hung Up, Nelly Furtado's Promiscuous, Shakira's Hips Don't like and Christina's Ain't No Other Man.
YAY! Pink wins! She's got a weird hairdo where the front looks all curly and stuff and the back is shaved. She's chomping on her gum and looks and sounds drunk as hell.
2006 VMAs: Because I have no taste
The Raconteurs are making a terrific, happy noise. Note to self: Get album.
Jack Black welcomes people back and Kyle Glass comes on dressed like a cheap-ass moonman. Jack tells Kyle that he's hosting -- not Tenacious D. Kyle says the band is famous because of him -- much like Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars. Kyle stomps off.
Jessica Simpson is introduced as a humanitarian and a great woman. I wonder what parallel universe I've wandered into. Jessica comes on looking a little bit bloated and in a skin tight black dress. She talks about being unable to dance and flubs her lines. Apparently she can't talk either.
She presents the award for best dance video. The marquee when we cut back says "PANTS!" Hee. Pussycat Dolls wins for Buttons. A song I hate admitting that I like. Frankly, I wish that Madonna or even Nelly Furtado won. Nicole does her speech as the other girls look cute and act like backup dancers. Snoop Dogg and Wyclef look bored out of their minds.
One of the girls reads a speech from a sidekick. How much did T-Mobile pay for that product placement.
More Jack Black, who introduces Chris Brown. I feel old because I don't know who the hell he is. Chris Brown introduces OK Go, which did the great treadmill video for Here it Goes Again that blew up on You Tube (and MTV totally missed out on).
Seeing the performance live, on treadmills rules. They're not singing at all, but really, the performance is pretty damn cool. For a video that looked like it was made for about $1.50, that's one of the more original videos that I've seen for awhile.
And now commercials!
Jack Black welcomes people back and Kyle Glass comes on dressed like a cheap-ass moonman. Jack tells Kyle that he's hosting -- not Tenacious D. Kyle says the band is famous because of him -- much like Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars. Kyle stomps off.
Jessica Simpson is introduced as a humanitarian and a great woman. I wonder what parallel universe I've wandered into. Jessica comes on looking a little bit bloated and in a skin tight black dress. She talks about being unable to dance and flubs her lines. Apparently she can't talk either.
She presents the award for best dance video. The marquee when we cut back says "PANTS!" Hee. Pussycat Dolls wins for Buttons. A song I hate admitting that I like. Frankly, I wish that Madonna or even Nelly Furtado won. Nicole does her speech as the other girls look cute and act like backup dancers. Snoop Dogg and Wyclef look bored out of their minds.
One of the girls reads a speech from a sidekick. How much did T-Mobile pay for that product placement.
More Jack Black, who introduces Chris Brown. I feel old because I don't know who the hell he is. Chris Brown introduces OK Go, which did the great treadmill video for Here it Goes Again that blew up on You Tube (and MTV totally missed out on).
Seeing the performance live, on treadmills rules. They're not singing at all, but really, the performance is pretty damn cool. For a video that looked like it was made for about $1.50, that's one of the more original videos that I've seen for awhile.
And now commercials!
Why does School for Scoundrels look funny to me?
Fiddy Cent and LL Cool J are now on. It's like a glitter bomb exploded in a black velvet storage room, judging by the bling and shiny shit all over the place. LL starts hollering something about rap and how "love is love."
Fiddy Cent talks about something about where the finest women are from. Apparently they're announcing the Best Female video awards, but I can't understand a damn word they're saying. I'm old like that.
LL hoists the Moonman up and Kelly Clarkson is named the winner for her oh-so-emo video Because of You. She's not there, so LL and Fiddy accept on her behalf.
Now it's Lil Jon. WHAT? I SAID IT'S LIL' JON! OK!
He's claiming crunk's not dead. I don't think that he's the final judge in that. He asks people to make noise for Luda and Pharell...there's a prolonged intro with fire and music that sounds like a giant dinosaur's going to come on and eat Lil' Jon and that'll be the end of crunk.
Instead, a safe opens and Luda and Pharrell comes on. I can't hear a damn word they're saying because the backing track's so loud. I also can't see the performance because apparently they really enjoy the crane camera shots. They're singing something about shaking your moneymaker -- a phrase that was hot maybe back in 1834.
Note to Pharrell: Standing and nodding is not performing. There's dancers popping their asses in the background. I think I might take a nap. Let me know when this performance is over.
*whisper whisper* You mean I have to stay up? Fine. *pout*
Nicole and friends The Pussycat Dolls come on for about five seconds, barely sing the backing track and we're done.
Sarah Silverman is on with her nasal voice getting her makeup done. There's a joke about Lance Bass hitting on her and him being gay. She attempts to riff a little bit. I don't get it. "Space travel is so gay," she says. Thousands of teenage boys rethink their careers.
Fiddy Cent talks about something about where the finest women are from. Apparently they're announcing the Best Female video awards, but I can't understand a damn word they're saying. I'm old like that.
LL hoists the Moonman up and Kelly Clarkson is named the winner for her oh-so-emo video Because of You. She's not there, so LL and Fiddy accept on her behalf.
Now it's Lil Jon. WHAT? I SAID IT'S LIL' JON! OK!
He's claiming crunk's not dead. I don't think that he's the final judge in that. He asks people to make noise for Luda and Pharell...there's a prolonged intro with fire and music that sounds like a giant dinosaur's going to come on and eat Lil' Jon and that'll be the end of crunk.
Instead, a safe opens and Luda and Pharrell comes on. I can't hear a damn word they're saying because the backing track's so loud. I also can't see the performance because apparently they really enjoy the crane camera shots. They're singing something about shaking your moneymaker -- a phrase that was hot maybe back in 1834.
Note to Pharrell: Standing and nodding is not performing. There's dancers popping their asses in the background. I think I might take a nap. Let me know when this performance is over.
*whisper whisper* You mean I have to stay up? Fine. *pout*
Sarah Silverman is on with her nasal voice getting her makeup done. There's a joke about Lance Bass hitting on her and him being gay. She attempts to riff a little bit. I don't get it. "Space travel is so gay," she says. Thousands of teenage boys rethink their careers.
Kevin Costner + Ashton Kutcher = Audience gets punked
Who thought having Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner together in a movie was a good idea?
And we're back. Jack Black is now in a gold suit. He says people should continue to send their pixs to MTV for a "surprise" whatever that is.
Andre 3000 and Ciara are now on to award the best hip-hop video. Why is Andre wearing riding boots? I stop thinking about it. It's Dre. He'd show up in a moonman suit, if Black didn't already have that as a rider in his contract.
A bunch of people are nominated that I don't care about -- then they show the one song that makes me cry: My Humps. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK MY HUMPS IS GOOD? I take that back -- Kayne's nominated for Golddigger, which I think it a pretty good song.
Black Eyed Peas win for My Humps. One of the four horsemen of the apocalypse goes running by my window. Will I. Am gives a shout-out to Idlewild. He's wearing a velvet suit that looks like the remains of a couch I had when I was a kid. Fergie hasn't peed on herself yet, which is a success.
Hey Sid: THE ROCK'S ON! He looks pretty good too -- the normal rock award show outfit -- T-shirt, jeans and a black jacket. His hair's slicked back. He introduces Shakira and Wyclef.
Shakira's dressed like an Arabian Nights porno princess, but it looks good on her. Wyclef comes on hollering at people and it explodes into a belly-dancing frenzy. I love this song. I've attempted to bellydance like her -- except there's a lot more jiggling.
She sounds a little out of breath, but overall way better than a lot of other people that have performed on the VMAs. Wyclef amazes me -- he's been making ass for so long since The Carnival -- and now, he managed to created a good single. Shakira's hips have magical musical powers too! She can bring a rapper back to his original genius!
The cast of Jackass comes on, urging people to vote for Viewer's Choice. Wee man is naked. I think I went blind for a moment. They're hooking Bam up to a World War II phone and he leaps around, screaming because he's shocked by the electricity. Bam's bleeding. I figure by the end, they're going to be naked and kicking each other in the nuts.
And we're back. Jack Black is now in a gold suit. He says people should continue to send their pixs to MTV for a "surprise" whatever that is.
Andre 3000 and Ciara are now on to award the best hip-hop video. Why is Andre wearing riding boots? I stop thinking about it. It's Dre. He'd show up in a moonman suit, if Black didn't already have that as a rider in his contract.
A bunch of people are nominated that I don't care about -- then they show the one song that makes me cry: My Humps. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK MY HUMPS IS GOOD? I take that back -- Kayne's nominated for Golddigger, which I think it a pretty good song.
Black Eyed Peas win for My Humps. One of the four horsemen of the apocalypse goes running by my window. Will I. Am gives a shout-out to Idlewild. He's wearing a velvet suit that looks like the remains of a couch I had when I was a kid. Fergie hasn't peed on herself yet, which is a success.
Hey Sid: THE ROCK'S ON! He looks pretty good too -- the normal rock award show outfit -- T-shirt, jeans and a black jacket. His hair's slicked back. He introduces Shakira and Wyclef.
Shakira's dressed like an Arabian Nights porno princess, but it looks good on her. Wyclef comes on hollering at people and it explodes into a belly-dancing frenzy. I love this song. I've attempted to bellydance like her -- except there's a lot more jiggling.
She sounds a little out of breath, but overall way better than a lot of other people that have performed on the VMAs. Wyclef amazes me -- he's been making ass for so long since The Carnival -- and now, he managed to created a good single. Shakira's hips have magical musical powers too! She can bring a rapper back to his original genius!
The cast of Jackass comes on, urging people to vote for Viewer's Choice. Wee man is naked. I think I went blind for a moment. They're hooking Bam up to a World War II phone and he leaps around, screaming because he's shocked by the electricity. Bam's bleeding. I figure by the end, they're going to be naked and kicking each other in the nuts.
Another year, another group of lipsynced performances
AAANNNNDDD IT'S ON BABIES!
Welcome to the 2006 MTV VMA recap. The scene opens with a bunch of spotlights on Jay-Z on the roof of Radio City Music Hall. Nice to see he's keeping busy in retirement. He welcomes everyone back to NYC.
Justin Timberlake -- in his full popping and locking glory -- is dancing right now. To some rap/orchestral remix thing. He's singing something in falsetto that's making me cringe. No man should sing the phrase "making love' in falsetto. It's about an unmanly as it can get. I'm kinda disappointed. I like Sexyback. This sounds like some overproduced hip hop piece of crap that everyone else is doing.
Just before I get fed up of that song, he transitions into Sexyback. Timbaland joins him on the stage. I can't help it. I like this sound because it doesn't sound like normal Justin. Justin mugs for a cell phone camera. Justin continues to grind on dancers. Timbaland continues to look like the well-dressed sidekick.
They're done now. J-Lo is wearing a headwrap. I never thought the turban would come back -- maybe Tori Spelling was right!
Credits. People will be on this show peforming and doing other stuff. I feel old because I wish I didn't know some of these people. Why does the universe allow Jessica Simpson and Kevin Federline to continue existing?
Jack Black dressed as a moonman talks to Justin Timberlake (who's wearing a robe). Jack make some frat boy comments and struts onstage as the two MTV "douches" offer some coaching like "keep smiling".
Jack Black is reading my mind "Since the beginning of time, the MTV VMA has sucked."
He walks onstage to pyrotechnics and his arm starts on fire, he stumbles aware, swearing and then rips off his moonman outfit to reveal an Elvis costume underneath. It's a full out Vegas/Elvis musical thing. He dances around as the glitter, fire and other stuff fizzles around him. The "Entertainment Cannon's going to blooow up the sky" he wails.
Nothing happens. "Boom! You get the idea."
He goes to "Plan B" -- James Brown -- not really. James isn't there, so the pitch Montell Williams onstage. Some of the girls go "WTF."
The Entertainment Cannon goes off with a fizzle, much like P. Diddy's opener last year. Jack Black introduces the house band, The Racounters with Lou Reed. I can live with this. Now if they could just do all the performances, I'd be a happy girl. So far, I have a feeling it might be a dorkier night, but it's already better than last year.
Jack Black intros Lil' Kim! Who's still in prison orange and is escorted by two "cops." She strips the jumpsuit off to reveal an outfit that doesn't reveal nipples or cooter. I'm no longer sure it's Lil Kim. She thanks everyone for supporting her and her year in jail.
"I'M BRINGING SEXYBACK!" She caterwauls, then introduces the best male video nominees. James Blunt wins for "You're Beautiful" -- the type of song a man plays when he invites a woman home to serve her dinner, appear "sensitive" and get into her pants.
Nick Lachey looks pissed and Keane's song comes on, nearly cutting off James Blunt.
"I'LL RACE YOU TO THE BAR!" Not if I get there first.
Welcome to the 2006 MTV VMA recap. The scene opens with a bunch of spotlights on Jay-Z on the roof of Radio City Music Hall. Nice to see he's keeping busy in retirement. He welcomes everyone back to NYC.
Justin Timberlake -- in his full popping and locking glory -- is dancing right now. To some rap/orchestral remix thing. He's singing something in falsetto that's making me cringe. No man should sing the phrase "making love' in falsetto. It's about an unmanly as it can get. I'm kinda disappointed. I like Sexyback. This sounds like some overproduced hip hop piece of crap that everyone else is doing.
Just before I get fed up of that song, he transitions into Sexyback. Timbaland joins him on the stage. I can't help it. I like this sound because it doesn't sound like normal Justin. Justin mugs for a cell phone camera. Justin continues to grind on dancers. Timbaland continues to look like the well-dressed sidekick.
They're done now. J-Lo is wearing a headwrap. I never thought the turban would come back -- maybe Tori Spelling was right!
Credits. People will be on this show peforming and doing other stuff. I feel old because I wish I didn't know some of these people. Why does the universe allow Jessica Simpson and Kevin Federline to continue existing?
Jack Black dressed as a moonman talks to Justin Timberlake (who's wearing a robe). Jack make some frat boy comments and struts onstage as the two MTV "douches" offer some coaching like "keep smiling".
Jack Black is reading my mind "Since the beginning of time, the MTV VMA has sucked."
He walks onstage to pyrotechnics and his arm starts on fire, he stumbles aware, swearing and then rips off his moonman outfit to reveal an Elvis costume underneath. It's a full out Vegas/Elvis musical thing. He dances around as the glitter, fire and other stuff fizzles around him. The "Entertainment Cannon's going to blooow up the sky" he wails.
Nothing happens. "Boom! You get the idea."
He goes to "Plan B" -- James Brown -- not really. James isn't there, so the pitch Montell Williams onstage. Some of the girls go "WTF."
The Entertainment Cannon goes off with a fizzle, much like P. Diddy's opener last year. Jack Black introduces the house band, The Racounters with Lou Reed. I can live with this. Now if they could just do all the performances, I'd be a happy girl. So far, I have a feeling it might be a dorkier night, but it's already better than last year.
Jack Black intros Lil' Kim! Who's still in prison orange and is escorted by two "cops." She strips the jumpsuit off to reveal an outfit that doesn't reveal nipples or cooter. I'm no longer sure it's Lil Kim. She thanks everyone for supporting her and her year in jail.
"I'M BRINGING SEXYBACK!" She caterwauls, then introduces the best male video nominees. James Blunt wins for "You're Beautiful" -- the type of song a man plays when he invites a woman home to serve her dinner, appear "sensitive" and get into her pants.
Nick Lachey looks pissed and Keane's song comes on, nearly cutting off James Blunt.
"I'LL RACE YOU TO THE BAR!" Not if I get there first.
What the fuck is up with John Norris' hair?
Another year, another VMA and this time I'm thinking about doing the same thing I did last year, where I did a live recap of the entire debacle.
This year, they're back in NYC and Jack Black is hosting. I'm really hoping that Jack will take the piss out of the entire affair, but we'll see. I really didn't pay much attention to the nominees, because well, I didn't see them because MTV DOESN'T PLAY VIDEOS ANYMORE.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Right now, I'm just kind of watching the pre-show, where John Norris has this weird-ass badly-dyed blond forward hair sweep thing going on. They've reanimated Kurt Loder and Sway's wearing his stupid knit cap (WTF is up with that? I mean, it's a formal event. Look like you care dammit! Street cred means nothing right now).
The opening act is My Chemical Romance, which has without a doubt one of the most pretentious performances I've ever seen. They're on the roof of a building, wearing old-time soldier uniforms and there's a children's chorus (the NUMBER 1 sign of pretentiousness) dressed like Day of the Dead paradegoers. It's all so pretentious and gawthy that it's funny.
Anyways, expect to see more ranting and more hollering about how music sucks now, how videos suck now and when I was young, we didn't have bling-tastic bullshit like this.
Grab a seat. If you don't want to watch the VMAs, read about them!
This year, they're back in NYC and Jack Black is hosting. I'm really hoping that Jack will take the piss out of the entire affair, but we'll see. I really didn't pay much attention to the nominees, because well, I didn't see them because MTV DOESN'T PLAY VIDEOS ANYMORE.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Right now, I'm just kind of watching the pre-show, where John Norris has this weird-ass badly-dyed blond forward hair sweep thing going on. They've reanimated Kurt Loder and Sway's wearing his stupid knit cap (WTF is up with that? I mean, it's a formal event. Look like you care dammit! Street cred means nothing right now).
The opening act is My Chemical Romance, which has without a doubt one of the most pretentious performances I've ever seen. They're on the roof of a building, wearing old-time soldier uniforms and there's a children's chorus (the NUMBER 1 sign of pretentiousness) dressed like Day of the Dead paradegoers. It's all so pretentious and gawthy that it's funny.
Anyways, expect to see more ranting and more hollering about how music sucks now, how videos suck now and when I was young, we didn't have bling-tastic bullshit like this.
Grab a seat. If you don't want to watch the VMAs, read about them!
Sunday, August 28, 2005
VMAs: The end is near
Hours later, we're nearly at the end. Jamie Foxx is now on, swearing and other stuff. He introduces Destiny's Child (aka Beyonce and Friends) -- who are breaking up but doing one last Hurrah. Kelly thanks their parents, their parents' parents and God for their success. Just wait until they break up. Kelly and Michelle will be beggin for a reunion tour soon.
Green Day captures Video of the Year for Boulevard of Broken Dreams. And I'm glad. No, seriously. I thought it was one hell of a video that illustrated the feeling of separation and alienation theme of the song beautifully. But Samuel Bayer is one of those video directors that I like a lot. The video just struck a nerve with a lot of people, which is cool. Billy Joe just did a shout-out to Live 8. It probably helps that the band had one of the best performances at that show.
Kelly Clarkson ends the show with Since U Been Gone. It's very funny. She's like a sweet, wholesome girl doing angry, angry rock. But she's selling it with a nice rawk chick yowl. I can now understand how she's the best of the American Idol bunch. Water is now falling down on Kelly and the audience. I wonder how many people knew they were going to get wet at the show. She's also a decent performer and the audience is totally into her.
I'm just amused by the idea that all these people are wearing all their hipster, trendy gear and it's all getting soaking wet.
Diddy wears a shirt proclaiming that God is the Greatest as he tells people good night! The mummified corpse of Kurt Loder is trotted out to give the network an air of legitimacy.
I'm giving props to my wrists and eyes which put up with this, Keidra for inspiring my snark and my head for not throbbing too much. Thank got this year's done. One more year until I subject myself to this shit again. See what I do for you people?
Green Day captures Video of the Year for Boulevard of Broken Dreams. And I'm glad. No, seriously. I thought it was one hell of a video that illustrated the feeling of separation and alienation theme of the song beautifully. But Samuel Bayer is one of those video directors that I like a lot. The video just struck a nerve with a lot of people, which is cool. Billy Joe just did a shout-out to Live 8. It probably helps that the band had one of the best performances at that show.
Kelly Clarkson ends the show with Since U Been Gone. It's very funny. She's like a sweet, wholesome girl doing angry, angry rock. But she's selling it with a nice rawk chick yowl. I can now understand how she's the best of the American Idol bunch. Water is now falling down on Kelly and the audience. I wonder how many people knew they were going to get wet at the show. She's also a decent performer and the audience is totally into her.
I'm just amused by the idea that all these people are wearing all their hipster, trendy gear and it's all getting soaking wet.
Diddy wears a shirt proclaiming that God is the Greatest as he tells people good night! The mummified corpse of Kurt Loder is trotted out to give the network an air of legitimacy.
I'm giving props to my wrists and eyes which put up with this, Keidra for inspiring my snark and my head for not throbbing too much. Thank got this year's done. One more year until I subject myself to this shit again. See what I do for you people?
VMAs: Day 47 of updates
And we're back! Diddy talks about some performances by Shakira (and her boobie jig), Kanye and all other people, praising their performances. I get ready for a nap. He intros My Chemical Romance.
13-year-old me: OMG! MCR! THEY'RE SOOO HAWWT AND ANGSTY! They're wearing all black and there's this girl dancing around the stage like in the video Helena and it's sooo coooll!!!!!!! Helena falls down on the audience and it's soooo sad? I need to get her dress at Hot Topic! If I ever die, can I have this song at my funeral?
29-year-old me: Quiet you. Paris Hilton and Bow Wow are now on stage for Viewer's Choice. They start comparing the diamonds. I get disgusted at the blatant stupidity. Green Day wins for American Idiot. Thank the heavens. I don't know what the 13-year-old would do if MCR won.
Tre Cool takes a dig against Paris, "MAN THAT IS SO HAWT!"
Commercials. Sweet, sweet commercials.
13-year-old me: OMG! MCR! THEY'RE SOOO HAWWT AND ANGSTY! They're wearing all black and there's this girl dancing around the stage like in the video Helena and it's sooo coooll!!!!!!! Helena falls down on the audience and it's soooo sad? I need to get her dress at Hot Topic! If I ever die, can I have this song at my funeral?
29-year-old me: Quiet you. Paris Hilton and Bow Wow are now on stage for Viewer's Choice. They start comparing the diamonds. I get disgusted at the blatant stupidity. Green Day wins for American Idiot. Thank the heavens. I don't know what the 13-year-old would do if MCR won.
Tre Cool takes a dig against Paris, "MAN THAT IS SO HAWT!"
Commercials. Sweet, sweet commercials.
VMAs: Dear lord when will the pain end?
Lil John and Paulina Rubio come on. I have no idea what Paulina is wearing, but it doesn't leave much to the imagination. A black lace doily shouldn't count as a cover-up.
At last! My favorite category -- Breakthrough Video. Lots of good shit in this category, so I'm curious to see who'll win. Gorillaz win for Feel Good Inc. Great song and great video. I like U2 and Vertigo, but Feel Good Inc. is one hell of a good video that consistently makes me stop and watch.
Fergie and Will I Am are on looking like hell. Will, red satin should NOT be the suit material. I love red, but dude, that's a bit much. It's beyond pimp style. I mean, pimps are going, "Dude, that's a bit over the top." They introduce 50 Cent.
50 Cent is a boring ass rapper. No interaction with the audience. No real moves -- I mean, grabbing your crotch doesn't count as a move. It just means that your balls itch. There's just gotta be a happy medium between the over-the-top calculated performance of Diddy and the sheer laziness of 50 Cent. Besides, a performance barely counts as good if half the lyrics are bleeped out. 50 and his crew throw out some insults to Fat Joe and I stop caring.
Ah commercial! Sweet, sweet relief!
At last! My favorite category -- Breakthrough Video. Lots of good shit in this category, so I'm curious to see who'll win. Gorillaz win for Feel Good Inc. Great song and great video. I like U2 and Vertigo, but Feel Good Inc. is one hell of a good video that consistently makes me stop and watch.
Fergie and Will I Am are on looking like hell. Will, red satin should NOT be the suit material. I love red, but dude, that's a bit much. It's beyond pimp style. I mean, pimps are going, "Dude, that's a bit over the top." They introduce 50 Cent.
50 Cent is a boring ass rapper. No interaction with the audience. No real moves -- I mean, grabbing your crotch doesn't count as a move. It just means that your balls itch. There's just gotta be a happy medium between the over-the-top calculated performance of Diddy and the sheer laziness of 50 Cent. Besides, a performance barely counts as good if half the lyrics are bleeped out. 50 and his crew throw out some insults to Fat Joe and I stop caring.
Ah commercial! Sweet, sweet relief!
VMAs: Recapping for people who don't like MTV
Snoop Dogg comes out looking pretty cool in a preppy ghetto fab way. He introduces some comedian named Dave Cook. He's not funny. He attempts to joke about microchipping children (which is what I'd like to do with my kid).
Johnny Knoxville's child is very cute. BEP looks like, "Dude, you're not funny." John Legend looks like he wants to leave and get a beer and avoid seeing this guy.
Killers win for Best New Artist for Mr. Brightside. What the hell is up with aviator sunglasses? They're not cool to me. It just screams, "I'm a lecherous asshole" to me.
The band looks gobsmacked and it's obvious they didn't prepare, which leads to awkward speeches.
Diddy introduces Bishop Magic Don Juan, who now looks cleaned up as opposed to being some insane person who was attacked by upholstery. Gwen and Snoop win for best dressed. I can get behind that. They kept their own personality, but also looked pretty damn good. The money's going to charity, which I find nice.
Eva Longoria comes on wearing a bathing suit. Wow. That's a lot of double stick tape in action. She introduces Mariah Carey. Jermaine Dupri -- when did he shave his head? She performs some song that's not very interesting in that Bone Thugz style of talking fast. Dancers jump into the water and dance underwater. There's supposed to be a club vibe, but it's still boring as hell to watch. Mariah ruins a dress by stepping into the pool.
During this time, Keidra and I are exchanging IM's:
Keidra: I wish something crazy would happen. what happened to spontanety?
Viv: It's now been adopted by corporations, packaged, tested by focus groups and marketed heavily.
Keidra : *weeps*
Viv: Sorry. You might want new crazy...
Bevis and Butthead take out out to commercials.
Johnny Knoxville's child is very cute. BEP looks like, "Dude, you're not funny." John Legend looks like he wants to leave and get a beer and avoid seeing this guy.
Killers win for Best New Artist for Mr. Brightside. What the hell is up with aviator sunglasses? They're not cool to me. It just screams, "I'm a lecherous asshole" to me.
The band looks gobsmacked and it's obvious they didn't prepare, which leads to awkward speeches.
Diddy introduces Bishop Magic Don Juan, who now looks cleaned up as opposed to being some insane person who was attacked by upholstery. Gwen and Snoop win for best dressed. I can get behind that. They kept their own personality, but also looked pretty damn good. The money's going to charity, which I find nice.
Eva Longoria comes on wearing a bathing suit. Wow. That's a lot of double stick tape in action. She introduces Mariah Carey. Jermaine Dupri -- when did he shave his head? She performs some song that's not very interesting in that Bone Thugz style of talking fast. Dancers jump into the water and dance underwater. There's supposed to be a club vibe, but it's still boring as hell to watch. Mariah ruins a dress by stepping into the pool.
During this time, Keidra and I are exchanging IM's:
Keidra: I wish something crazy would happen. what happened to spontanety?
Viv: It's now been adopted by corporations, packaged, tested by focus groups and marketed heavily.
Keidra : *weeps*
Viv: Sorry. You might want new crazy...
Bevis and Butthead take out out to commercials.
VMAs: Feel the love
And we're back! The latest boy band B5 is on looking like they're 12. I instantly feel old. But they're not that cool because they intro Ricky Martin and Joss Stone.
Ricky Martin looks very, very, very gay.
They introduce the Best Pop nominees. Most of them are just movie stars doing records or Ashlee Simpson. Kelly Clarkson continues to kick Gwen's ass (don't worry Gwen, I still love you!). She's got a costume change and at least her shirt looks a hell of a lot better than the yellow dress that looked like she was going to be topless. Kelly shrieks a bit and looks very cute.
Alicia Keys and John Legend introduce Kayne West and Jamie Foxx. They perform Golddiggers with Jamie Foxx channeling Ray Charles. Kanye's actually rapping live and Jamie Foxx's shirt is now open like he's a singing stripper-gram. The dancers are made up like tarts with big hair and too-tight clothing. Amusing as hell.
And more commercials!
Ricky Martin looks very, very, very gay.
They introduce the Best Pop nominees. Most of them are just movie stars doing records or Ashlee Simpson. Kelly Clarkson continues to kick Gwen's ass (don't worry Gwen, I still love you!). She's got a costume change and at least her shirt looks a hell of a lot better than the yellow dress that looked like she was going to be topless. Kelly shrieks a bit and looks very cute.
Alicia Keys and John Legend introduce Kayne West and Jamie Foxx. They perform Golddiggers with Jamie Foxx channeling Ray Charles. Kanye's actually rapping live and Jamie Foxx's shirt is now open like he's a singing stripper-gram. The dancers are made up like tarts with big hair and too-tight clothing. Amusing as hell.
And more commercials!
VMAs: Doin' it for the shorties!
Fat Joe is now onstage and he introduces another "unprecedented and historic moment" (I wonder how many of those occurred today?) of three Latino rappers. I can't snark on the Latino rappers -- it's nice to see some variety and it's also cool to see a real variety -- light and dark skins, cornrows and afros, suits and different styles. Daddy Yankee smokes it up with Gasolina (which I'm dancing to as I type this). Big props MTV -- you introduced me to three rappers I'm interested in.
Missy cleans up the Best Rap Video for Lose Control. I continue to groove out and dance while I type.
Diddy's on with a "New Negro" shirt on. Pardon my ignorance, but what's a new negro? He talks about the changes made, and frankly I can't tell the difference. It seems like shitty ass music all the damn time. But I'm old and crochety. Some peeps in the nosebleed section are brought down to the floor.
Parrell's on now with some silly-ass multi-colored bling. He introduces Coldplay which does Speed of Sound. Smart move. If they did anything else, I think I'd have a nap. I heard Fix You recently while driving to work and nearly caused a traffic accident as I dozed off.
Chris Martin climbs into the cheap seats to perform. I've seen Bono perform. I know Bono and you sir are no Bono.
And more commercials as I go and ice my wrists.
Missy cleans up the Best Rap Video for Lose Control. I continue to groove out and dance while I type.
Diddy's on with a "New Negro" shirt on. Pardon my ignorance, but what's a new negro? He talks about the changes made, and frankly I can't tell the difference. It seems like shitty ass music all the damn time. But I'm old and crochety. Some peeps in the nosebleed section are brought down to the floor.
Parrell's on now with some silly-ass multi-colored bling. He introduces Coldplay which does Speed of Sound. Smart move. If they did anything else, I think I'd have a nap. I heard Fix You recently while driving to work and nearly caused a traffic accident as I dozed off.
Chris Martin climbs into the cheap seats to perform. I've seen Bono perform. I know Bono and you sir are no Bono.
And more commercials as I go and ice my wrists.
VMA: Taunting my carpal tunnel syndrome
What's the hell with all these music people making GAP commercials?
And now Diddy Dinkums does some shout-outs to some people like Nelly, Jay-Z and other folks. The lights are now going down and some shit is happening where Diddy conducts and orchestra for reasons that I don't get. Oh wait. It's another Notorious BIG tribute. The younguns in the audience are probably like, "Who the fuck is he? He's too black to be Fat Joe!"
Fortunately for the chilluns, Snoop Dogg performs to save them from confusion. At last! A familiar face!
And here's the original odd couple: Common -- the poster child for earnest, activist rappers -- and Johnny Knoxville -- a man who gets kicked in the crotch for a living. Common freestyles about Miami. Tre Cool of Green Day has a "WTF" look and 50 Cent is apparently asleep.
The odd couple announces that the winner of the MTV 2 award is Fallout Boy for Sugar We're Going Down. It's a weird-ass video about a deer boy, but alright. I wish that the Bravery won though because "An Honest Mistake" is wonderful for it's Rube Goldberg contraption. Fall Out Boy gives a shoutout to MCR for Helena.
Commercials! My wrists are killing me!
And now Diddy Dinkums does some shout-outs to some people like Nelly, Jay-Z and other folks. The lights are now going down and some shit is happening where Diddy conducts and orchestra for reasons that I don't get. Oh wait. It's another Notorious BIG tribute. The younguns in the audience are probably like, "Who the fuck is he? He's too black to be Fat Joe!"
Fortunately for the chilluns, Snoop Dogg performs to save them from confusion. At last! A familiar face!
And here's the original odd couple: Common -- the poster child for earnest, activist rappers -- and Johnny Knoxville -- a man who gets kicked in the crotch for a living. Common freestyles about Miami. Tre Cool of Green Day has a "WTF" look and 50 Cent is apparently asleep.
The odd couple announces that the winner of the MTV 2 award is Fallout Boy for Sugar We're Going Down. It's a weird-ass video about a deer boy, but alright. I wish that the Bravery won though because "An Honest Mistake" is wonderful for it's Rube Goldberg contraption. Fall Out Boy gives a shoutout to MCR for Helena.
Commercials! My wrists are killing me!
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