And then my head exploded

Talking to Keidra via IM last night, she directed me to a story about a man charged for having sex with a table.

Think about that one for a second. Sex. With. A. Picnic. Table. Much like Lewis Black's joke about "If it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have finished college," this story made numerous questions spring forth (among of them being "I can appreciate a well crafted piece of furniture, but I've never thought 'OH BABY!' after seeing a good ottoman.").

Anyways, I couldn't help but wonder what he had sex with -- the hole the umbrella goes through? I mean, if you do that, it's a little rough on the man isn't it? I mean there's no give, no lubrication and really the male penis isn't shaped to fit perfectly in the hole.

And what position would work? Missionary doesn't seem right because it doesn't seem comfortable given certain positioning. What about slivers? Hot metal? Dutch Elm Disease?

The mind boggles.

And then my brain exploded.

What. The. Fuck?

From the insane loons that brought you Sharpe VS Hornblower

Comes Sharpe VS MechaHornblower VS Godzilla VS Cloverfield (with a cameo from James Brond)!

The entire thing is a sequel to this bad boy. Or maybe a sequel of a sequel. I can't keep track anymore. Long story short, I was telling Keidra about Tobias Menzies, of Rome fame, when she suggested that he become part of our little Hollywood plot.

"This has me once again thinking about Sharpe Vs Hornblower for reasons I don't understand," she said. Which sparked this IM conversation:

Me: Maybe if we do Sharpe Vs Godzilla VS Mechahornblower he can be Timmy, the kindhearted street urchin who teaches Mechahornblower how to be human again?

K.: HEH! Yes. I still think of this as once of the great unrealized epic movie ideas of all time.

Me: Then there's Sharpe and Mechahornblower VS Cloverfield and Mothra in the epic battle for supremacy over England! With a Cate Blanchett cameo as Queen Elizabeth.

K.: YES! Old wig wearing Elizabeth! And LOL at Cloverfield! We could sell it to that knock off movie studio

Me: And then James Bond could show up thanks to a time traveling device made by Q! And then M (Judi Dench) shows up, and the entire universe collapses as the old and young Queen Elizabeth meet!

K: Awesome. So we don't get sued, let's call him James Brond.

Me: And it's not Q it's P! Wow. We're on crack.

K: Total crack. it's brilliant People just randomly show up. No explanation. Like Seinfeld.

Me: No, we need a Delorean for Brond to show up!

K: I like how every few months this idea comes back again -- it's like it has a life of its own!

So what say you Hollywood? I figure this can't be as bad as Meet the Spartans, Mad Money or In the Name of the King! It'll have Regency costumes, monsters and huge explosions! How can you go wrong?

Signs that you've got too much time on your hands...

How the hell can someone raise their kid diaper-free in between only getting two hours of sleep, breastfeeding and trying to make sure you have pants on?

Dude, I consider it an achievement if I cook a meal or have something for breakfast that isn't coffee.

Inspired by this Postsecret card:

Is drinking breastmilk an act of cannibalism? What about eating your placenta?

I think too much when I feed BD.

Bodyworlds: A mix of the macabe and educational

This weekend, Michael, Katie, Ben, Mark, Jeff and I cruised down to Chicago to check out Bodyworlds 2 exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry.

For some it might be considered a bit morbid and macabre -- after all, people have agreed to donate their bodies to have their organs and bodies preserved in plastic for people to look at. It's also in a weird way, a reminder that no matter what, our lives will end and our bodies will remain here (which brings up interesting discussions about what to do after we die -- organ donation, burial,cremation, donation to science, etc.).

Anyways, I found it fascinating. What was most interesting was seeing the effects disease has on our bodies. A lung infected with coal miner's lung was black and shiny -- like coal itself. The line "inside a fat person is a skinny person screaming to get out," was beautifully illustrated with a side slide of a man who was obese when he died. You couldn't see the organs at all -- just a faint outline of where a person would be buried in all the fat.

Note to self: Get some fucking exercise.

Before we went, I was wondering if they would have babies or a pregnant woman on display. Tucked away in a room was a woman who had lung disease and died while she was five months pregnant, along with fetuses. While I felt bad and logically I knew that the baby wouldn't have survived outside of the womb, it was also interesting to see where the baby was located in the body. It gave me an idea where my baby's currently nestled, as well as an idea as to how big she is. Even though the baby books have illustrations and descriptions, seeing it in 3-D gave me a better idea than before.

Afterwards, we headed to Chinatown for a feast -- which was pretty good, even though we didn't get a chance to eat at Joy Yeh's Noodle Shop -- and then drove home. All in all, it wasn't a bad way to spend Easter weekend.

Note to Keidra: Sorry we couldn't meet up, but I hope your Easter was good and you're feeling better!

I can't believe they made 10 minutes of this

How the hell do you talk about software piracy for 10 minutes using old school rap?

That sound you hear? It's my childhood screaming

I have no idea what to say about a live show featuring My Little Pony. I think that right now I'm not sure which is more horrifying -- Equus or this.

Admittedly, if this was about my childhood, there would be Voltron and Care Bears forming a rebel alliance with the My Little Ponies to battle the evil Ken dolls.

And now, the Wisconsin edition of WTF?

I neglected to talk about this earlier, this week, but apparently a Wisconsin man mistook the sound of porn for rape and attempted a rescue:

The woman, according to a criminal complaint, was on a DVD being watched by the neighbor, who later played part of the movie back for police to point out what he figured Van Iveren heard downstairs.

To Van Iveren, the neighbor's film sounded like a rape in progress.

"So I grabbed the cavalry sword and ran upstairs," he said. "I intended to hold it behind my back and knock.

"But I froze and instead, what happened happened."

According to the criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning, damaging the frame and lock in the process.

Why not call the cops first? Why kick in the guy's door?

But I think that the funniest quote was from the guy who watching the porn in a follow-up article:

Stieghorst said the incident will not change his movie-viewing habits.

"No, way; I'm a man and I'm a normal person," he said. "But I think I will get some good headphones, maybe some wireless ones."

I can't help but wonder how the reporters were able to ask that question with a straight face -- not to mention write it with a straight face.

This is why I'm not a morning person

WTF? (British edition)

You know, when the blog breaks down...

The world goes straight to hell.

Apparently there's a Brooklyn art museum that has a nude statute of Britney Spears giving birth as a "monument to pro-life."

Follow the link -- it's relatively work friendly, as long as work doesn't start screaming about naked statues.

The statute portrays the pop tartlet, naked on a bearskin rug. I'm not sure if the pose she's in is for child birth or making babies. Either act would ruin the bearskin rug.

Thanks to Alan for pointing this sucker out.

URPL8SUX!

Found this online about license plates and the appeals that occurred in New York State. Right now my personal favorite is BIGPNS:

"Originally the abbreviation (BIGPNS) came from work involving a large Peri-Net System Simulation..."

Nice try. I give points for originality. The funny thing is that on the road the other day, I saw a license plate that was A558TR or something like that. Clearly, the Wisconsin DOT isn't versed in L337 SP33K.

It's official: I'm a man.

I read in this morning's newspaper about a survey done by Olay about the habits of people who shower. Apparently there's a big difference between men and women in the shower.

Men tend to take short showers, think about work or sex while in the shower and face the nozzle, while women take longer showers, think about chores and fitness flaws and don't face the nozzle.

If I read this survey correctly, I'm a man. I take short showers and think about work or sex while showering. The only difference is that I don't face the nozzle (makes it hard to clean properly).

The lesson: Don't use surveys to figure out what sex people are.

WTF?????

Why nerds normally don't get laid.

Wow. I don't think I could take a guy seriously if he showed up for a date in some of these outfits. There's a reason why nerds are known for not getting laid. Ever.

I have found it

Without a doubt in my mind, this is fifteen flavors of wrong.

So much for the effeminate male stereotype

I'm still trying to figure out where they got the subjects for this study that goes international with comparing men's penis sizes. But it's nice to see that it blows the South Park Chinopokomon episode quote, "We cannot achieve so much with such small penis, but you American wow, penis so big, so big penis!" out of the water.

Stupid, but important question of the day

I'm known for absolutely stupid questions. The kind that have my husband staring at me in horror as he realizes that he did indeed marry a person that has no problem "going there" wherever there is (it's usually the place that has everyone curled up in the fetal position and me going, "What? It's a legitimate question!").

So anyways, part of the blame for this is going to Keidra. She's the one who got me into the following conversation. The backstory is that we're discussing the Star Wars Christmas special:
Keidra: yeah, Chewie's dad gets a special gift from ...I think Ed Asner, and it's Dianne Carroll moaning and talking about how hot he is.
Viv: Is that beastilty? I mean, Chewie seems sentient and humanoid.
Keidra: It is pretty damn close to beastiality, if you ask me. Wookies growl like dogs. That's not humanoid.
Viv: Yeah, but that's a separate language. I mean, Wookies are intelligent creatures. They're humanoid.....
Keidra: I know, they are intelligent and humanoid. They are also big-ass dogs.
Viv: OK, I have a question for you then: Is sex with an Elf fine?
Keidra: they are not human, but not dogs either. So yes, it's fine
Viv: But I mean, a Wookiee, while hairy is intelligent and has its own language. I mean, I'm not going to jump a wookiee if I meet one, but still...

And so on and so forth. So in the interest of science *snerk*, I posed the question, "Is sex with a Wookiee beastality?" to many people -- my coworkers included (who barely bat an eye anymore with these questions). Most people (out of the dozen or so I talked to) said it was beastality.

"Anything that hairy -- it's beastality," one coworker said.

So in the interest of expanding my sampling group, I pose the question online: Is sex with a wookiee beastality and why?

Discuss.

That's no space station . . .

I wonder if there's Wookies on Saturn now. Image is courtesy of NASA's Cassini-Huygens Web site.