You do know what your are drinking is meant for eye surgery?

On Christmas Day, my sister, her husband, Jeff and I managed to flee the house to see Sherlock Holmes. I recall some brief discussion about seeing Avatar, but that ended when I basically said:

"NO. NO PLANET OF THE BLUE CAT PEOPLE. WANT HOLMES. HOOOOOLLLLMMMEEESSS."

How can you argue with a rational, thoughtful and reasonable argument like that?

Now a little bit on my background: I love mysteries. The Westing House, From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler and other similar books always interested me. I remember reading Sherlock early as a kid and loving it (as well as the mouse version, Basil of Baker Street). I always liked how Sherlock could figure out things just by observing the small details.

Quick aside: Post-college, when I interviewed for a job selling some ad space (I WAS HUNGRY ALRIGHT?), the man interviewing me said that it was clear that I couldn't see the big picture. I argued that "the small details make up the big picture" -- a line similarly used in the movie.

But I've never been a Sherlock obsessed fan like some other people. I stopped reading Doyle's mysteries awhile ago, after I discovered more hardboiled action like Robert Parker's Spenser, Sara Paretsky's V.I. Warshawski and others. Loving mysteries is in my blood, as far as I can tell -- my father's father translated Mickey Spillane novels into Chinese. But no matter what, in my mind, Sherlock Holmes is like one of the fathers of mysteries. He taught you that the smallest clues help make the big picture more clear.

Anyways, the movie. I really enjoyed it. As a casual Sherlock fan, I liked how Sherlock's mind worked and you saw it (that's always been one frustrating thing for me about Doyle's stories -- it seems like Sherlock was doing the COOLEST stuff with Watson not around, so we would always hear about it second hand). And yes, Sherlock is a badass mofo when it comes to fighting. I remember hearing about him boxing and other ninja detective-fu. It's just that Doyle never dwelled on it, as opposed to the scientific reasoning and observations, so it never lingers in our mind.

Cleolinda put it best with this line (go check it out -- it's a very thoughtful analysis. This blog will still be here):

Usually what would happen is that some ruffian would be all like ARRGHH I HAVE A PISTOL OR MAYBE A WALKING STICK, HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY CRIMES and then prim, gentlemanly Holmes would be all WAPOW! with one blow in some arcane but impressive manner, and there you were.

I liked how Robert Downey Jr. made Sherlock like a mad genius (or as I put it, RDJ was using his drug years as inspiration for some of Sherlock's antics). I liked that Watson wasn't the doddering old uncle that you often see in the movies -- like other details from Doyle, I suspect people forget that Watson was a soldier for awhile and a badass in his own right. I will also confess, I like that Watson was a bit crankier with Holmes. I sometimes wondered why Watson didn't snap at his roomie/bestest buddy for talking down to him sometimes.

And Irene Adler is a real character from canon too. Maybe not as much of as Action Girl in the books as in the movie, but she does exist (see "A Scandal in Bohemia" -- I love that she actually pulls one over the greatest detective ever. I saw it as a flaw of his -- because Sherlock doesn't see a woman as a potential equal, he missed Irene pulling one over him) and is awesome. Rachel McAdams is pretty good in the movie, but admittedly her makeup I found distracting. For some reason, she reminded me of Joan Collins in Dynasty. But that's just me.

But I understand why some people are critical of the movie. It had more action and explosions than maybe what we're used reading about or seeing on the PBS specials. But it's obvious that even with the explosions and running, fighting and shootings, there's a certain knowledge and love of Doyle's work behind it. I mean, it fits into the Sherlock universe and there are touches that show a respect for Doyle's work. Fans have pointed out Watson's limp (which I didn't remember), as well as the long, crazy-logical explanations at the end as to how everything happened (which I remember of a lot of Sherlock mysteries).

I don't want to spoil too much of the movie, but seriously, when they named the villains, the only thing missing was a dude named, "Bob Stabsyaintheback."

Also, welcome back Guy Ritchie. Did you get your spine back after your divorce from Madge? This is up there with Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels as well as Snatch. From the whole gritty look of London, to the end credits and the twangy, yet also rollicking soundtrack (I've been listening to the soundtrack for awhile now, thanks to YouTube), Sherlock Holmes was just plain, rollicking good action fun with proof of love for the source material.

Motherhood on film

Maybe it's because I can be overly defensive at times, but lately, when I hear the word "motherhood" in the mainstream media, I get nervous. I think it's because a lot of times, I don't feel like the true image of motherhood is portrayed in media -- or that they're trying too hard to get it right and, as a result, they overshoot the mark into "BULLSHIT" land.

So when I saw this trailer for the movie "Motherhood", I was a little nervous:



However, I was pleasantly surprised. It feels more real than a lot of other movies that feature mothers. I think it helps that it was written and directed by a mother of two children and it also features Uma Thurman -- who's a mother of two. It also features Minnie Driver, who's a mom, and Anthony Edwards, who is a father of four.

It also helps that I find the trailer pretty funny -- celebrating both the foibles, sadness and insanity that we have to deal with as parents as well as the really sweet moments that happen. Maybe that's why I like some parenting blogs like Dooce and others -- it helps because you don't feel alone (especially important as a new parent) and when you rant about something there's a ton of other people nodding their heads and going, "Yep. Been there, done that."

In an interview, I think the director says it best when she said that in movies mothers are often portrayed as patient, lovely, saints or evil she-bitches. And it's not as simple as that. It's an incredibly complicated thing. The fact that a movie is trying to capture that makes me hopeful. It's a complex thing, but if done right, it'll make a lot of people get a better understanding of how this whole parenting thing works.

Ever want to punch love in the face?

That was my reaction when I saw the trailer for Valentine's Day:



I suppose it doesn't help that it looks like a weird-ass knockoff of Love Actually set in Los Angeles. It doesn't help that it centers on Valentine's Day, which to me has always been more about romance than actual love.

What really chafes my hide is how everyone in that trailer is whining about wanting to be in love and how it's so damn wonderful. Maybe I'm a pragmatic loonie, but I think that they're missing out on what love means.

Love is fucking hard. When I think of love, I think of U2's One. It's bitter, angry and also optimistic in that no matter what you don't leave a relationship. It's not just the roses, the walking-on-air feeling of new romance, the discovery and the fun. It's also the sleepless nights of uneasy silence when you battle with someone. It's taking care of sickness, fighting to get your voice heard, making compromises and oodles of insanely hard things.

What I've always hated is how people will always paint love as a magical cure-all that will somehow make you feel better and make life all sunshine and lollipops. It does make things sweeter, but it also makes the hard stuff harder -- BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE A SELFISH DICK AND DO YOUR OWN DAMN THING. You have to take into account other people and their wants and needs.

And it feels like no one really addresses that these movies. Which is why I can't deal with most romantic comedies. It just makes me want to punch love in the face.

SPECIAL EFFECTS BUKKAKE!

While we were watching Project Runway last Thursday, Jeff and I were subjected to five minutes of the new movie 2012:



Which raised a few questions:

1. How the hell does a limo outrun an earthquake?
2. Why is a plane flying so low it could be hit by falling buildings and collapsing freeway bridges?
3. Why hasn't John Cusack fired his agent yet?

And yet, the bad movie connoisseur in me wants to desperately see this movie. Drunk. It's like Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow had wild sex in a one night stand, got knocked up and birthed this.

It's like the director just put all his money into the special effects department. "YOU WANT MONUMENTS DESTROYED? WE'LL GET THEM ALL! NOT JUST THE EIFFEL TOWER, BUT WE'LL HIT ASIA AND SOUTH AMERICA TOO!" I swear, this is what CGI artists in Hollywood dream about, when you ask them what their dream job is.

HOOOOTTTTIIIIEEEESSS IIIINNNNN SSSPPPPAAAAACCCCEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long ago, K. once wrote an essay that worked out a basic premise: In Lord of the Rings, there is a type of man for every woman. Plain and simple. You like sensitive, rugged, manly? Aragorn. Manly, rugged, angsty? Boromir. Sensitive, rugged, but with daddy issues? Faramir. Drunk and possibly stoned? Merry and Pippin.

And so on and so on. Admittedly, after seeing the Star Trek movie a couple weeks ago, K.'s theory was in my mind. In essence, Star Trek has every type of guy for every girl -- only in space. Where no one can hear you scream (which lets you be as loud as you want I guess). So here's my view:

For those of you who like your men cocky, brash, arrogant, yet somehow a good leader and charismatic as hell, there's Captain James Tiberius Kirk.


Emotionally unavailable, but when you get to know him, he's one kettle of roiling passion with some mama and mixed racial identity issues? Spock's your man. Good luck getting to him though.

Cranky, divorced and cynical with a blunt tongue? Slightly paranoid about what could go wrong, but amazingly smart when it comes to medicine and a quick thinker on his toes, not to mention, a loyal friend? Who doesn't love Bones?

Experimental engineer who deals well with both theory and practical application? Quick with a quip? Scotty!

Mourning the loss of loved ones, has a dark side with a heaping helping of vengeful behaviors? Perhaps you can soothe Nero's troubled brow.

In need of a good father figure? There's always Captain Pike.

Do you like them young, boyish and with Russian accents? Chekov.

AND THE ASIAN GUY! SULU! (Seriously, John Cho needs more to do in the future.)

So which girl are you? I've figured now that I'm pretty much in the Bones/Scotty camp.

Dark Knight's Joker: A TRUE agent of chaos?

Recently, Jeff and I FINALLY saw The Dark Knight. On DVD. Because really, Jeff and I are parents and getting out to go see a movie sometimes requires the same amount of planning as a bank heist.

I have to say I loved it too (along with the eleventy-billion other people who saw the movie). Heath Ledger's Joker is an amazing force -- there's no need for backstory, the Joker just is. It's a great crime thriller and also an interesting take on the idea of keeping citizens safe vs. freedom and privacy. I know other people have touched on it, so I'm not going to get into that too deeply.

However, I have been ruminating on the Joker's belief that people, without rules, will fall back to the most base, animalistic and evil behaviors, as well as his argument that he is a true agent of chaos.

In a way, I don't agree with his view of the world. I don't think that human beings, when plans and rules are removed, will ever really fall back to Mad Max Thunderdome tactics. I remember getting into a discussion like this with a former coworker, who believed that when the apocalypse comes, everyone's going to kill each other. Basically, it was like the final battle between Batman and the Joker, but without fighting, SWAT teams and crazy costumes.

In a true case of chaos, I think that you have to leave everything alone and up to chance. And the Joker doesn't do that. You can't say that he did everything he did on a whim. There was some serious planning involved to try and drive people to that point of madness. And even then, he didn't really win in the final confrontation.

So, if you remove all the rules and plans, I really think that life would continue to function the way it does now. Because without an overarching plan, people will still continue on their day-to-day routine and flow. You can't stop people from making teeny little plans -- what to eat, when to wake up, how they brush their teeth. It's part of us and being who we are. And even if you obliterate all of that, I can see people trying to make sense of it and working it into another little plan.

And also, I think that even in the worst case scenario, people won't resort to absolute nihilism. It's not our nature. People on the whole, work best together and cooperating in life. To start doing the "dog-eat-dog" thing, goes against the whole idea of survival. And really, we're social animals. Most of us are seeking connection and companionship -- be it in person or in the digital world.

Now, this ultimately goes against my darker view that we're alone and humanity on the whole can be a stupid lot -- a single person can be a very smart, wonderful person, but people on the whole are a mindless mob with an IQ no higher than a small animal.

But you know, I don't feel like I need to make sense of the contradiction. I think it's because, when push comes to shove, I think we'd band together and cooperate for overall survival. It's just the day-to-day stuff that drives me mad.

In other words, it's like family. No matter what, we're all stuck together and when push comes to shove, we'll band together and make things work.

Editor's note: I have no idea if this post makes sense. I'm one cocktail in and just rambling like a mofo.

Rule three: Always leave room for a sequel

Heeee's baaaaaaccccck!



Dude, it's got shirtless Jason Statham. How can you go wrong? *cough*anddon'tmentionCrank*cough*

If this doesn't fuck with your childhood....

Then I don't know what will. There's other great takes on the Disney Princesses here. They all make me smile in a sick way.

GET YOUR FUCKING FILTHY HOLLYWOOD HANDS OFF MY ANIME!

Fucking hell. Fox signed onto a live-action Cowboy Bebop.

Knock it off. I mean just don't. I don't even want to speculate as to how they're going to cast this. It's just going to make me cry when I hear about the casting because it's just going to piss me off.

WAIT....WHAT? FUCK!

David Wenham's in Public Enemies? The movie with Johnny Depp and Christian Bale that was filmed within driving distance of my house? And I didn't know that? And I'm now a stay-at-home-mom who can do crazy-assed shit during the day because I don't have a desk job.

Wenham. Was. In. My. State. And. I. Didn't. Know. About. It?

*keels over*

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

There's a Transporter 3 coming out! With more shirtlessness! More insane fights! More over-the-top car chases! More implausible plots and action sequences!

Jason Statham doesn't need to kill his agent now!

Movie review haiku: Ratatouille

Vermin has good taste
Takes over big Parisian kitchen
Movie too good for words

If you haven't seen this gem yet, check it out. It's not exactly for kids since it's more of a meditation on artistry and the driving forces behind greatness, but it's so damn pretty and the story is so good that it's irresistible. It's jaw-droopingly gorgeous, the story is magical and it's just really great. One of the best movies of 2007 in my opinion.

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

I know it's all time-traveling white boy saves ancient China, but DUDE! JET LI AND JACKIE CHAN! Yes I know there were five script re-writes during the shoot -- but DUDE! JET LI AND JACKIE CHAN!

That pretty much trumps everything right now.

Some people may see a 40-foot Bono in their face as a nightmare....

For me, it was great fun.

Last Friday my friend Em and I went to check out U23D -- which appears to be a Scrabble game board throwing up, but is really a U2 concert film in 3D. We weren't quite sure what to expect, but the thought of a 40-foot Bono reaching out to Em was a definite bonus, so why not go?

Admittedly it was a little weird -- I mean, you're watching a concert in a movie theater, so even though you want to jump around, sing and dance (which is normal at a concert), you couldn't. Movie etiquette dictates otherwise, which kinda sucked. But I think that everyone around us forgave the occasional burst of applause or me singing along with the songs.

Anyways, it was a really good concert film. I've now seen the How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb tour three times (will be four soon) -- once in Chicago, once in Milwaukee and now on the big screen. I have to hand it to the directors for creating a concert film that's interesting to watch and uses the 3D technology quite well.

My favorite shots were the long ones where you saw the stage, the band and even the crowds. Not only was the band in 3D, but on occasion, you'd see an audience member pop out at the bottom of the screen. Other favorites was the use of graphics for "The Fly" (which came straight out of the Zoo TV tour) and the bridge in "Love and Peace or Else." It was visually interesting and brought something more than just the "shot of Bono, followed by Edge, Larry and Adam, then a long shot of the stage, then shot of the audience" formula.

My only complaint? The movie's a little short. The concert itself is a little more than two hours and this movie's only 90 minutes. It also appears to be a U2's Greatest Hits collection and ignores a bulk of the songs on the tour. I wanted to see "City of Blinding Lights" or "Elevation" instead of the usual hoary chestnuts. Em and I agreed we could've sat there for all night. So we're going again. Yes, I am a fangirl. Besides, for $15, it was probably the best view of the band for a bargain price. And who can resist a 40-foot Edge? I can't.

JJ Abrams -- Are you a parent?

I'm just wondering after reading this interview with Cloverfield director Matt Reeves:

So the secret that we had was that the monster was a baby. Having just been born it was going through separation anxiety and had no idea where its mother was and was freaking out and was in a completely foreign place, didn’t understand a thing and that that would be sending it into a kind of infantile rage. Which was very frightening, but the thing that was also frightening to me was the idea that not only was it going through an infantile rage but, because it was suffering from this separation anxiety, it was spooked. It was really afraid.

Because if so, you are familiar with baby rage, and for that, I salute you. I'm a veteran of baby rage, and I have to say that if BD was as big as Cloverfield and as cranky (which she can be at times -- despite her normally sunny disposition), I'd also be scared shitless too -- and not just because of the massive diapers that would need changing.

Baby rage is nuts -- it's earsplitting screams, tantrums and unrestrained unhappiness gone amuck. Until you satisfy the desire, there's nothing but misery being rained down from the heavens. It can be exhausting at times.

Why yes, I remember those days clearly. Why do you ask?

What's funnier for me is knowing that all poor Cloverfield wanted was its mommy -- and maybe its lovey and a bottle -- and the entire crisis could've been averted.

That being said, now that there's talk of a sequel, it better be about Cloverfield's momma protecting her baby. If you think a baby tantrum is scary -- think of the mother's wrath.

From the insane loons that brought you Sharpe VS Hornblower

Comes Sharpe VS MechaHornblower VS Godzilla VS Cloverfield (with a cameo from James Brond)!

The entire thing is a sequel to this bad boy. Or maybe a sequel of a sequel. I can't keep track anymore. Long story short, I was telling Keidra about Tobias Menzies, of Rome fame, when she suggested that he become part of our little Hollywood plot.

"This has me once again thinking about Sharpe Vs Hornblower for reasons I don't understand," she said. Which sparked this IM conversation:

Me: Maybe if we do Sharpe Vs Godzilla VS Mechahornblower he can be Timmy, the kindhearted street urchin who teaches Mechahornblower how to be human again?

K.: HEH! Yes. I still think of this as once of the great unrealized epic movie ideas of all time.

Me: Then there's Sharpe and Mechahornblower VS Cloverfield and Mothra in the epic battle for supremacy over England! With a Cate Blanchett cameo as Queen Elizabeth.

K.: YES! Old wig wearing Elizabeth! And LOL at Cloverfield! We could sell it to that knock off movie studio

Me: And then James Bond could show up thanks to a time traveling device made by Q! And then M (Judi Dench) shows up, and the entire universe collapses as the old and young Queen Elizabeth meet!

K: Awesome. So we don't get sued, let's call him James Brond.

Me: And it's not Q it's P! Wow. We're on crack.

K: Total crack. it's brilliant People just randomly show up. No explanation. Like Seinfeld.

Me: No, we need a Delorean for Brond to show up!

K: I like how every few months this idea comes back again -- it's like it has a life of its own!

So what say you Hollywood? I figure this can't be as bad as Meet the Spartans, Mad Money or In the Name of the King! It'll have Regency costumes, monsters and huge explosions! How can you go wrong?

Dear Jason Statham:

I got love for ya homie. I do!

I loved ya in The Transporter, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch.

So I have to ask you a question. Can you explain this?


Seriously -- it's fuckin' Uwe Boll! The pimple on cinema's ass! I was willing to forgive you for Crank and War. But this?

My advice: Kill your agent. Preferably in a shirtless oil fight.

Love,

V.

Movie Review Haikus!

Golden Compass
Storylines rammed through movie
Not a lot made sense for me
OMG! WTF! Polar bear attack!

Sweeny Todd
Sondheim movie goes big
HBC as Lovett is too wispy
Tight pants are everywhere

Thank you. Thank you. *snaps*

More disturbing than 2 Girls, 1 Cup

I couldn't make it past the 2:42 mark.

Rob Lowe sings to Snow White (1989)
Uploaded by refertations

True or false?

I promise to blog about the holidays and how BD got spoiled! Honest! Right now I need to pick up the house (which looks like a cardboard factory exploded) before my in-laws get here.

I'm just curious to see what everyone else thinks.