Thursday, May 11, 2006

Coming soon....from two insane fangirls

There's some backstory to this. Keidra and I often get on really silly pop-culture riffs and discussions. It's like we keep encouraging each other to create more imaginary mayhem. She's a huge Sean Bean fan and Sharpe fan. Sean Bean's the star of the Sharpe series. She also likes Horatio Hornblower, even though Horatio's a poncy, arrogant workaholic in her eyes. Both are set during the Regency era, so we got to wondering what would happen if Sharpe and Hornblower met.

Well, that spawned this toy, which is currently in preproduction. We're still trying to get Sean Bean and Ioan Griffudd to star in it, but we may need to resort to action figures and sock puppets in the meantime.



Scene 1.

Lt. Richard Sharpe of the South Essex is at some poncy event in London celebrating a military victory or whatnot. He sees Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous mingling and looking vaguely despondent.

He can't help himself. She's got great tits and is in a skirt. The man's a slut and will sleep with anything that isn't nailed down.

SHARPE: Beggin' pardon ma'am, are you alright?

SAFFY: No. My husband, Horatio, is at sea being an asshole.

SHARPE: Oh. Shall we retire elsewhere so we can talk? Maybe your place?

SAFFY: (considers it. Mulls over the amount of time needed to undo all those stupid buttons) Yes, it'd be good to talk to someone. The only one around is my insane bitch of a mother and a shoulder to cry on would be nice.

CUT TO: A bedroom. It's nearly dawn. Sharpe's been buttoning up for the past hour or so.

SHARPE: Er. Um. Yeah, so I'll call you?

SAFFY: No need. This was quite lovely and you did have a reputation that I had to try out. Not to mention, the telephone hasn't been invented yet.

SHARPE: (turns red) In either case, have a nice day ma'am.

CUT TO: Ship. Horatio Hornblower's on it looking like a poncy git. He's reading a letter from someone.


CUT TO LONDON: Sharpe's house with his wife Jane (who's just returned from shopping) Hornblower's out waiting at the door.

HORNBLOWER: Mrs. Sharpe? My name is Horatio Hornblower. I came to tell you about your husband cheating on you.

JANE: Oh, I already knew about that. He's a slut -- can't be helped you know? Anyways, I just finished cleaning out his bank account. You look rich. What say we hook up?


CUT TO: Some battlefield out in a rock quarry. The same 12 war reenactors are killing each other in the background.

Sharpe's in the middle of a conversation with Harper, who let him know about what's going on after a recent visit to London.

SHARPE: He did WHAT? I'll kill that sonuvabitch!

STARWIPE TO: Hornblower's home. Jane's in bed with Horatio. Sharpe kicks the door down and stares at Hornblower.

SHARPE: Beg pardon sir, but I need to kick your ass.

Commence two hours of sock puppet fighting -- on land, on sea, in front of the rock quarry. Hornblower soon has the advantage, and Sharpe is cornered, with no resources to save him.

As Hornblower prepares to have the final blow, Jane come running across the street to him.


But before she can reach Hornblower, Saffy comes barreling around the corner in a carriage and runs over Jane.

Hornblower: NOOOO!!!!

He falls crumpled over. Sharpe takes that open moment and kicks Hornblower in the goolies.

Sharpe hops into the carriage with Saffy and they drive off.

The end. OR IS IT?


K. said...

The best part about this is how faithful it is to the storylines of both series!

QuietlyGoingMad said...

oh my GAWT! My boss thinks I'm psycho for laughing at my laptop. The words..

poncy git, goolies...we be missin' scallywag!