Kevin Costner + Ashton Kutcher = Audience gets punked

Who thought having Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner together in a movie was a good idea?

And we're back. Jack Black is now in a gold suit. He says people should continue to send their pixs to MTV for a "surprise" whatever that is.

Andre 3000 and Ciara are now on to award the best hip-hop video. Why is Andre wearing riding boots? I stop thinking about it. It's Dre. He'd show up in a moonman suit, if Black didn't already have that as a rider in his contract.

A bunch of people are nominated that I don't care about -- then they show the one song that makes me cry: My Humps. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK MY HUMPS IS GOOD? I take that back -- Kayne's nominated for Golddigger, which I think it a pretty good song.

Black Eyed Peas win for My Humps. One of the four horsemen of the apocalypse goes running by my window. Will I. Am gives a shout-out to Idlewild. He's wearing a velvet suit that looks like the remains of a couch I had when I was a kid. Fergie hasn't peed on herself yet, which is a success.

Hey Sid: THE ROCK'S ON! He looks pretty good too -- the normal rock award show outfit -- T-shirt, jeans and a black jacket. His hair's slicked back. He introduces Shakira and Wyclef.

Shakira's dressed like an Arabian Nights porno princess, but it looks good on her. Wyclef comes on hollering at people and it explodes into a belly-dancing frenzy. I love this song. I've attempted to bellydance like her -- except there's a lot more jiggling.

She sounds a little out of breath, but overall way better than a lot of other people that have performed on the VMAs. Wyclef amazes me -- he's been making ass for so long since The Carnival -- and now, he managed to created a good single. Shakira's hips have magical musical powers too! She can bring a rapper back to his original genius!

The cast of Jackass comes on, urging people to vote for Viewer's Choice. Wee man is naked. I think I went blind for a moment. They're hooking Bam up to a World War II phone and he leaps around, screaming because he's shocked by the electricity. Bam's bleeding. I figure by the end, they're going to be naked and kicking each other in the nuts.