AAANNNNDDD IT'S ON BABIES!
Welcome to the 2006 MTV VMA recap. The scene opens with a bunch of spotlights on Jay-Z on the roof of Radio City Music Hall. Nice to see he's keeping busy in retirement. He welcomes everyone back to NYC.
Justin Timberlake -- in his full popping and locking glory -- is dancing right now. To some rap/orchestral remix thing. He's singing something in falsetto that's making me cringe. No man should sing the phrase "making love' in falsetto. It's about an unmanly as it can get. I'm kinda disappointed. I like Sexyback. This sounds like some overproduced hip hop piece of crap that everyone else is doing.
Just before I get fed up of that song, he transitions into Sexyback. Timbaland joins him on the stage. I can't help it. I like this sound because it doesn't sound like normal Justin. Justin mugs for a cell phone camera. Justin continues to grind on dancers. Timbaland continues to look like the well-dressed sidekick.
They're done now. J-Lo is wearing a headwrap. I never thought the turban would come back -- maybe Tori Spelling was right!
Credits. People will be on this show peforming and doing other stuff. I feel old because I wish I didn't know some of these people. Why does the universe allow Jessica Simpson and Kevin Federline to continue existing?
Jack Black dressed as a moonman talks to Justin Timberlake (who's wearing a robe). Jack make some frat boy comments and struts onstage as the two MTV "douches" offer some coaching like "keep smiling".
Jack Black is reading my mind "Since the beginning of time, the MTV VMA has sucked."
He walks onstage to pyrotechnics and his arm starts on fire, he stumbles aware, swearing and then rips off his moonman outfit to reveal an Elvis costume underneath. It's a full out Vegas/Elvis musical thing. He dances around as the glitter, fire and other stuff fizzles around him. The "Entertainment Cannon's going to blooow up the sky" he wails.
Nothing happens. "Boom! You get the idea."
He goes to "Plan B" -- James Brown -- not really. James isn't there, so the pitch Montell Williams onstage. Some of the girls go "WTF."
The Entertainment Cannon goes off with a fizzle, much like P. Diddy's opener last year. Jack Black introduces the house band, The Racounters with Lou Reed. I can live with this. Now if they could just do all the performances, I'd be a happy girl. So far, I have a feeling it might be a dorkier night, but it's already better than last year.
Jack Black intros Lil' Kim! Who's still in prison orange and is escorted by two "cops." She strips the jumpsuit off to reveal an outfit that doesn't reveal nipples or cooter. I'm no longer sure it's Lil Kim. She thanks everyone for supporting her and her year in jail.
"I'M BRINGING SEXYBACK!" She caterwauls, then introduces the best male video nominees. James Blunt wins for "You're Beautiful" -- the type of song a man plays when he invites a woman home to serve her dinner, appear "sensitive" and get into her pants.
Nick Lachey looks pissed and Keane's song comes on, nearly cutting off James Blunt.
"I'LL RACE YOU TO THE BAR!" Not if I get there first.