Light THIS candle BITCH!

So Rent's coming out next week. Rent directed by that hack who did all the Home Alone movies and made the first Harry Potter movie a pretty joyless experience. While I enjoyed the musical as a melodramatic teenager, I can tell you that you're probably not going to see my ass in the theater for this one.

I think it's because I'm more jaded, cynical and bitter now than I was when the musical first came out. Rent, when I first heard it, was what I wanted to be -- an artist, living hand to mouth trying to create my masterpiece with a group of like-minded friends. We'd all be broke, hungry and digging furiously for inspiration to create that one piece that would light the world on fire and have everyone going, "I SEE NOW! I UNDERSTAND ALL!"

Yes, I was an idiot. You are allowed to mock me.

I also listened to the soundtrack all the time when I was younger. I still sing the lyric "To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou/Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion/Creation, vacation/Mucho masturbation," whenever I see huervos rancheros on the menu at a restaurant.

Jeff gets a little weirded out, but hey, that's what marriage is about.

Funny what happens when you grow up and lose support from your parents. Now, when I hear some bits -- that Mark's from Scarsdale NY (aka richville) -- I cringe. It's like the rich kid going out seeking "experience" from the world, but if things get TOO bad, he can come running home whenever he needs to.

It's like that Henry Rollins rant about how rich artists now talk about the early days and keeping it real by sleeping on the floor and driving to gigs in a shitty van. But once the interviewer leaves, it's *bampf* onto the nice king-sized bed and "BUSINESS CLASS ROCKS!"

The ending's hokey as hell, the idea of poor artistes vs rich bastards is simplistic and while Roger and Mimi's relationship may have seemed romantic to a kid, I look at it now and am vaguely creeped out about the relationship between a drug addict and a jealous musician. In reality, that's a Jerry Springer episode waiting to happen.

But there's still some gems. I adore the Tango Maureen and it's wise advice from one ex to the current lover . Watching Maureen's "Over the Moon" is so over-the-top performance art that I can't help but think of it as a joke. "Seasons of Love", while its schmaltzy as hell, but it always pulls that little heartstring of mine that hasn't withered away to nothing.

As I'm writing this, the more I see similarities between Rent and Moulin Rouge! -- tragic love, the idea of art overcoming everything and a funky, yet poor, bohemian life. However, there is one good thing: Rent has its own music as opposed to ripping off a bunch of pop songs and it doesn't incite me to punch random people in the face. I have to admit, some of the songs in Rent are pretty damn good -- after all I'm still singing bits of the musical at restaurants when I order breakfast.