VMA-a-palloza

I miss some shit when I'm taking laundry out, but Diddy REALLY gave that watch to the dude (it wasn't a joke) and he gives it back. There's a chick begging him to dance and he says he won't until Grandmaster Flash starts with some great, great beats. Then he's off again.

The funny thing is that if Jeff danced like Diddy does, he's called silly, whereas Diddy's cool. I just don't get it. There's then a dance-off, which is just officially silly. Suddenly coochie dancers appear. Will I. Am appears to be grooving. Luke from 2 Live Crew and Omarian (why he's important, I'm still figuring out) also appear.

It's like land of retro rappers! MC Hammer is now onstage. Will I. Am continues to go apeshit. The other rappers seem amused to see him -- much like how you're pleasantly surprised to see your great aunt bust out with a song after one too many drinks.

"ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!" Diddy says. Can he make the award show not suck?

Jessica and Ashley Simpson are on. WTF is up with Jessica's dress? It looks like someone didn't zip up her back. There's a bra strap showing. They're claiming they're from the dirty South. I have a hard time believing that, given that Jessica was bragging about how she's keeping her cookies in the jar until she's married.

The crowd shows the winner for best R&B, which is Alicia Keys for Karma. A great song really and I can't hate on the girl too much. She also looks pretty damn classy.

Duwane Wayne (wasn't he on A Different World?) and Jessica Alba (I SAID I WANT HONEY!) present. Wayne does some dumb schtick and Shaq appears. After some monkeying around, they introduce Shakira and her magical moving breasticles. She sings La Tortura with another guy and does the magical mystical boobie jiggle.

I like this song, don't get me wrong, but it's hard not to be distracted with Shakira's thrusting pelvis and tit jig. I tried doing the tit jig once. I nearly put an eye out.

And COMMERCIAL! Off to soak my wrists in ice water.