More fun than Dr. Phil and more helpful!

It's Ask Dr. Clive!

It's even more fun when you imagine his voice actually reading the answers like (this one, with question included):

Dear Dr. Clive,

I have a terrible problem! I thought I was totally in love with this guy I met at my new school, in this awful place where it rains all the time, since he had super-sparkly smooth skin and icy lips and tawny eyes and told me nice things like I smelled appallingly luscious, like freesias or something. Also nobody else would ever talk to me, because the boys were all too in love with me and all the girls were jealous. But I don't think he's ever going to do more than kiss me, and I think I'm truly in love with my best friend instead, who's a werewolf and had a big growth spurt if you know what I mean (and I know you do, you're a man of the world and all).

PS. If a boy keeps telling you he doesn't want to have sex because he won't be able to control himself, does that mean he's gay?

Sincerely,

Klutzy in Klamath, Definitely Nowhere Near Forks

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Dear Mary Sue McFaghag,

Shag the werewolf and kick Sparkle Boy in the bollocks. If he's got any.

Resignedly,

Dr. Clive

PS: Aye, he's a right poofter, that one.