Friday, May 02, 2008

Black and blue

I have bruises all over my chest. Teeny-tiny, sickly-yellow bruises.

It's not from my husband. It's from my daughter.

Benevolent Dictator has been pinching me as of late. Hard, with her teeny-tiny pincer grasp. Methinks its part of her way of experiencing the world and that she doesn't know the concept of being gentle yet.

I think right now those bruises sum up my mood as of this week (or since my in-laws left). BD hasn't been sleeping well thanks to her cold. She sounds like Patty and Selma on a smoker's binge. At night, I can hear her coughing -- the baby monitor's lights also blink on and off with each cough. Sometimes she wakes up crying, sometimes she doesn't.

It's like the T-Rex scene in Jurassic Park. I often find myself staring at the baby monitor in horror/fear, waiting to see what will happen next.

It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so overtired. When she's overtired she's more demanding, her moods more mercurial. One minute she's giggling and entertaining herself, the next minute she's wailing loudly for me or something she can't have (like the laptop computer). It's like living with a teeny-tiny drunk:



As a result, I've been in a funk because I feel defeated at each turn. Nothing lasts long enough to keep her amused. I feel worn out for some reason.

I also feel like the world's weakest mom. My tolerance for any deviation from the norm is very low. My tolerance for having my life interrupted is very low. I get immature, meaner, crankier.

Part of this is also that I'm starting to feel the pull to be a writing merc and get it off the ground (either that or it's me fantasizing about putting BD in day care so I can have alone time for a bit). I'm just feeling paralyzed right now by indecision and a fear of the pitch letter.

Admittedly, there's an ongoing dialogue in my head with several different voices about Benevolent Dictator, writing and other things. That's why I'm so indecisive at times. I don't have me at the helm -- my decisions are ruled by committee. And right now it's annoying because I want to make a move. I want something to happen writing-wise. I wantBD to get over her cold and her cough. I want something, anything to happen.

Hell, I want a martini and sushi right now.

1 comment:

Eva said...

Putting BD in daycare one day a week actually sounds like a brilliant idea to me. You could get a little rest and she could get an exciting new place with opportunities for socialization.

Yes, you're a mom, but there's noting guilty or evil about wanting a little time to yourself. Everyone should get time to rest. It's not like you're plotting to duct tape her to a chair, she'll probably have fun at a good daycare most days. ;)