BD --
Today you turned four months old. You've been around for approximately one-third of a year, which is mind boggling at times for me. I'm starting to not remember what life was like without the middle-of-the night feedings, diaper changes and toting you around everywhere I go. The life before you is becoming fuzzy -- like the Barbara Walters Vaseline-camera focus fuzzy.
This was a tough month overall. You had surgery on your skull, which was emotionally tough for all of us. I'll never forget how small and vulnerable you looked after the surgery, when you were still under the pain medication. You looked small and weak in the crib, and every time you cried out in pain in your sleep, it was like a stab in the gut for me.
When you sleep normally, you don't look so small and fragile. You look like you've given up a fight against sleep. Your hands are thrown up in surrender, your head turned to the side and you suck on your pacifier defiantly, as if to say "Soon! Soon I will get the best of you sleep! You may have won this time, I will prevail!"
So seeing you asleep in the crib at the hospital with your bandages on was hard for both me and your daddy. Then there was coming home and readjusting to life outside of the hospital where your sleep schedule went straight to hell.
Part of it was readjusting to home, but I think that part of it is also that you're getting to the point where you can stay up for a couple of hours without any problems. Now, if I put you down for a nap too early, you catnap for about 30 minutes -- which wreaked havoc on my originally because I was so used to you sleeping for at least an hour.
But if I can keep you up and amuse you for at least a couple of hours, you're down longer, which is nice because I can get a nap in. And Mommy loves her naps.
While it's been tough sometimes entertaining you -- it's a deadly combination of a short attention span plus the desire to have other people amuse you -- it's also been fun because you're up for nearly anything. Walks around the mall for an hour? No problem! Rolling around in your crib? Awesome! Conversations with yourself in the mirror? Rock on!
That short attention span also goes to your feeding times now. Often when you're at my breast, something with catch your attention and you'll whip your head around to look at either a speck on the wall, Daddy or even me. While it's fun to see you smiling up at me, I do wish that you would move slower so you won't take my nipple with you when you look around.
Not to mention, you've also learned how to grip things with your little hands and it hurts like hell when you've got fistfuls of my boob when you're dining.
You've also gotten louder during this time. You shout, squeal and yell out commands to me. You show your frustration more with loud exclamations and hoots. While it can be funny, sometimes (like when I'm on the toilet) it's hard. You, much like me, need to learn more patience.
This was also the month where you started laughing. You've got a deep belly laugh that's loud and happy sounding. Every time I hear it, it's like music to my ears. It makes me giddy and giggly with glee. It is the sound of my heart singing.
I can't stop sprinkling little kisses on your face and the top of your (now perfectly) round head. These are the moments that I do treasure. We're both growing -- I'm growing into my role as mother and you're just growing. I'm eager to see what happens around the corner because I think that we're both going to be giggling madly when we get there.
Love,
Momma
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