Last night, I lost my shit. No, seriously. All the ambivalent feelings I've had since becoming a mom bubbled to the surface and really hit hard -- or harder than usual. crying while you're breastfeeding your baby is not a good thing.
I've been kinda moody since the birth of BD -- which is natural and everyone warned me about. People warned me that the first month will be the most difficult and to expect a lot of crying. While I expected it, I didn't realize how hard it was.
While logically I know I'm doing alright as a mom and my girl is growing, healthy and developing well, I've had a hard time shaking the feelings of exhaustion, resentment for being a milk bar for her, envy for my past life and just lack of confidence as I boldly go where I've never gone before.
Fortunately, Jeff's been a darling and helping me get sleep when I can and also sitting up with the girl sometimes at night. But last night made me do one big thing -- it strengthened my resolve to get off the couch and get out of the damn house when I can.
Which I did today. I got the Snugli, called up my friend Em (who has a six month old named Grant) and headed over to her house for conversation and some walking around town. Which was good. It was nice to get out of the house, listen to music in the car as I cruised down the highway to her house and just talk about all the stuff I've been going through. The beauty is that she's gone through the same stuff too, which helped give me perspective.
I will confess though, when I saw the road sign that said, "Chicago -- 136 miles" I seriously contemplated driving all the way to Chi-town. Never mind the fact that I probably didn't have enough diapers for the girl -- I just wanted to escape for a moment.
So now, I just have to keep this up. I've got a Snugli, car seat and a gas tank that needs to be filled. There's a big world out there and I think it's time I introduced BD to it.
3 comments:
*Big Hugs*
*pats*
Granted a lot of us haven't been through what you're going through hon, but we'll still be around if you want to hang out or go do things.
Also, the Bristol faire is open until the beginning of Sept. How do you feel about a trip late in the season when it's cooler?
Feel better soon. I cant imagine how hard that must be, but like I said, if you do decide to take a roadtrip down this way, i'd be happy to take the wee one off your hands for a bit--or just grab coffee and walkabout with you guys!
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