Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I think my libido just went screaming from the room.

When I was visiting Keidra a couple of weeks ago, I was asking her about Crank and how bad it was. Specifically, a line I read in the New York Times review: " . . . rapes his girlfriend (Amy Smart, playing dumb) in the middle of Chinatown."

Say what? Ew. Keidra said it was a sex scene where the woman says no, but means yes and starts loving it in the end -- which is a common cliche that's so stupid, I can't even begin to start.

Well, me being me -- always in search of a train wreck, I found the sex scene on You Tube. None of this is work safe, so I'm just linking to it. Yep. It's that stupid. I'm seriously wondering if the writer/director/anyone associated with this damn film knows anything about how sex with a woman works. So, in the spirit of education, I feel the need to offer a few basics:

1. No means no. Period.

2. Would it have hurt Chev to kiss her first or even do some freakin' foreplay, instead of pawing at her like a drugged animal?

3. I have no idea what button he pressed on the Smartbot 2006, but no woman goes from "NO!" to "YES! YES! GET IT UP NOW!" in approximately 30 seconds.

4. If any man answers the cell phone while fucking, he deserves to get his head kicked in. I think voice mail could've gotten that.

5. Is it necessarily putting Tab A into Slot B that would get a man's adrenaline going? I mean, there's always the tease, which could have also bought him time to, oh, I don't know: FIND SOMEWHERE MORE SECLUDED THAN A FUCKING STREET IN CHINATOWN?

6. And to not even get her off? Bad, bad, bad etiquette. Especially since he basically forced himself on her. A peck on the cheek deserves his testicles being ripped off and shoved up his ass.

Good lord. I like certain things at an infantile level -- such as Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and The Transporter -- but this is a low. It's like every bad prepubescent boy fantasy brought to life. Only it's wearing a cheap track suit.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Foul. And more disturbing are the "LOL BEST MOVIE EVAR!!!1!1" comments below.

Someone should write a companion book to "He's Just Not That Into You" entitled "She Just Doesn't Want To Fuck In Chinatown".