Viv Factor for Kids!

So this weekend, as I was entertaining Keidra and Raziel (aka Bitches of Eastwick -- that includes me too) at Cafe Montmarte, we got to discussing The O'Reilly Factor for Kids. It's exactly what you think it is. Everyone's favorite FOX News conservative pervert offering advice to the chilluns. The more disturbing part is where he talks about growing and his experiences in life. I really never needed to know that he lost his virginity at 20.

"I can't wait to see the Viv Factor for Kids," Keidra remarked.

Well Keidra, ask and you shall receive. But I'm not drunk this time, so I can't promise how funny is it will be:

CHAPTER 1: SEX

For the love of Pete kids, just say no. Sex is messy and complicated. When you're a kid, you've got school, friends, parents, extracurricular activities and a billion other things going on. You don't have TIME for sex. Once you start having sex, you'll turn into a fiendish addict and torment your boyfriend/girlfriend/tree/rock/goat/whatever all the time for it.

Jacking off is OK. It's only you and frankly, you don't need to have the "we need to talk" discussions, hysterical crying and gossip because yourself knows when to keep it quiet. Unlike high school and junior high students. I mean, ya'll gossip all the time and do you really want your bidness up in everyone's grill? Do you want people to know that your first time was listening to My Chemical Romance's Helena or that you came in the span of 68 seconds and then cried in the bathroom for an hour because you were now a man? No, seriously -- think that one over a bit.

I know everyone's doing it. I know that ya'll think oral sex isn't sex. As for oral sex: Anything that has genitals contacting moist orifices is SEX!

Now for my experiences: I should give you graphic detail about my first time. I should tell you about how it hurt like hell and how there was BLOOD everywhere -- much like the parting of the Red Sea or how I like to get drilled hardcore by my husband. I mean, if I did, then that should scar you enough to NEVER want to have sex until at least college. Frankly, I think those last two sentences may be enough.

Hell, if that didn't work, realize the fact that your unsexy parents are having sex. They had sex to make you. Imagine your dad climbing on top and pounding away on your mom. If that doesn't make you chaste, I don't know what will.

But if you're going to have sex, realize that there's repercussions -- messy, icky repercussions that will complicate your life -- and use birth control you idiots. If you're gonna do something big, be fuckin' prepared for pity's sake.