Over this weekend, I was at a party, when a friend of mine looked at me and my Vertigo Tour T-shirt and asked me, "Were you always a U2 fangirl?"
My sister launched a similar question at me too, when she found out a couple of years ago that I had gotten a hardcore U2 addiction. I think now, she just kind of humors me and realizes that it's a quirk that I have. At least its safer than a crack or meth addiction.
The funny thing for me is that is seems to be a logical progression of where I've always been. I can't say that I've been with the band ever since I was a kid (since Boy was released in 1980 -- a year that I was more interested in Sesame Street and show tunes instead of post-punk and new wave bands) and I will confess, that as a child, I HATED With or Without You. The video scared the living dickens out of me, with psycho Bono stare and the moody lighting and music.
But the one song that hit me in the chest as a 10-year-old, and still makes me swoon is I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. It sounds stupid and melodramatic, but the lyrics about not finding redemption, rest, peace, whatever, after searching everywhere rang true to me then and now. I was a messed-up 10-year-old.
Fast-forward to high school. As a junior, Achtung Baby and Zooropa came out. While I couldn't appreciate at the time Achtung Baby, Numb and Stay were the two songs that pierced through my rap and crappy pop listening phase. Numb's little conga-line beat overlaid with the Edge -- not singing -- but chanting a list of commands sounded like a list for life and high school. It still sounds like some sort of warped list for someone moving through life without feeling.
Stay -- fuck, I wrote some really bad fiction my senior year inspired by that video of angels living amongst us -- is just a piece of sheer beauty for me. Melancholy in lyric and tone, there's just something about it that got under my skin and stuck with me.
The thing is that when I was a kid, I really didn't buy much music at all. I didn't own a CD player and tapes were too expensive. I had the radio, where I created mix tapes with my sister. So I didn't own U2 stuff and consequently, I didn't know about the songs that weren't played frequently like Until the End of the World or Running to Stand Still. I just heard their songs and knew I liked them. I didn't have money for magazines or anything like that, so I couldn't really create an addiction without the cash.
In college, I met Jeff (and in a way, I blame him for my habit). He had the hook-up for me. I had access to Achtung Baby, Joshua Tree, Boy, October and Zooropa. And at that age, I could appreciate the lyrics and music more than as a kid. I wrote a 12-page college paper about Asian fetish porn that I'm still proud of, listening to Achtung Baby on repeat on my computer. I wanted POP, but never bought it (lack of cash -- which also prevented me from attending the concert).
But as an adult, I now have the money and means to have my addiction and fangirl come out full-tilt. In an earlier essay from 2002, I confess my fangirl addiction. I think that it's also that I don't care about acting cool and detached about what I like anymore and so I'll just be open about my love for the band.
I have a confession to make -- in 2002, I went to Barnes and Noble, 10 minutes before they closed, to try and get my hands on Bill Flanagan's U2: At the End of the World. I didn't get it there, but ordered it online. It was one of the more enjoyable books that I've read in awhile. Reading that book, was like satisfying an itch.
Most of the time, the addiction is hibernating and I'm just learning more about the band -- catching up for lost time I guess. But with the release of How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb and the tour this year, the fangirl -- like a raging werewolf -- it out in full force.
See, when I like something, I want to learn EVERYTHING about it. Coming into U2 fandom late, I now have the means and money to learn about the group and appreciate what's out there. Now there's a plethora of information, news articles and videos for me to watch and critique.
This is part of me now. There's other bands and musicians that I love also -- Garbage, Jay-Z, Eminem, Annie Lennox, Bonnie Raitt, Modest Mouse -- but for now (and I think always), U2's going to surpass all of those bands. Like Keidra's love for Metallica, I think that my love for U2 is always going to be there. The band may do stupid stuff (pre-date ticket sales mess), Bono may shove his foot in his mouth and the tickets may be expensive, but I can't deny my affection for the Irish lads.
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