One day, long ago, a friend of mine asked if I named Benevolent Dictator after a certain character from a movie, which is known for its incendiary tones back in 2005. I confessed that while it wasn't the main goal, the thought was in my head.
You see, I do want a child that will grow up to be an independent thinker and one who isn't afraid to speak her mind or rebel against what she think isn't right. You'll note that I used the phrase "grow up". Which means: NOT FECKIN' NOW.
Since reaching toddlerhood, BD has become more willful, stubborn and determined. Running off at the store, while attempting to shoplift random items? Already done. Screaming "NO!" at every minute of the day? Been there, done that. Hitting everyone with her tiny fists, drumsticks, wooden utensils and other assorted items? My bruises, let me show you.
Yesterday was another battle -- Miss BD and I battled over catalogs because of her inability to share (Don't even tell me to give her a sibling. I have no idea if I'll make it out of this stage alive). It wasn't quite this level:
But it sure felt like it.
The sheer force of will this girl has is almost exhausting at times. I know that as my job as a parent, I'm supposed to teach her to channel it properly. But yeah, exhausting and deafening at times.
Not to mention, there's the ego blow. I'm just trying to help her out the best way I know how and to teach her how to be a good person. Sadly, I'm apparently seen as THE MAN who's oppressing her and keeping her down and from throwing herself off the chair, shoplifting, running off, eating nothing but sugar, etc.
I think that's the weirder thing for me. As a parent, it's like you instantly lose your cool cred and become THE MAN. You are never going to be as cool as you think you are. You are going to be embarrassing. You are going to be a force to be rebelled against.
And I thought I had the energy to put up with this and battle through it. I've got the will, but I'm starting to realize that my strength is weak. I never cared if I was cool or not (even though I joke about it). It just gets hard after awhile just being seen as an oppressive force all the time when you know you're not like that at all.
I don't know right now. I'm just blindly muddling through this whole mess. If anyone has words of comfort, a backrub, alcohol or chocolate, I'd welcome them. Well, if I can hear your words over BD's yelling. Because good lord -- that child's scream is like a superpower attack.