And then my head exploded

Talking to Keidra via IM last night, she directed me to a story about a man charged for having sex with a table.

Think about that one for a second. Sex. With. A. Picnic. Table. Much like Lewis Black's joke about "If it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have finished college," this story made numerous questions spring forth (among of them being "I can appreciate a well crafted piece of furniture, but I've never thought 'OH BABY!' after seeing a good ottoman.").

Anyways, I couldn't help but wonder what he had sex with -- the hole the umbrella goes through? I mean, if you do that, it's a little rough on the man isn't it? I mean there's no give, no lubrication and really the male penis isn't shaped to fit perfectly in the hole.

And what position would work? Missionary doesn't seem right because it doesn't seem comfortable given certain positioning. What about slivers? Hot metal? Dutch Elm Disease?

The mind boggles.