Monthly report: Third month -- You've got a smile like salvation

Dear BD --

Yesterday you turned three months old. That was also the day I met with my counselor and he observed that I'm growing into my role as your mother, as well as gaining confidence in my new job.

And he's right. I've noticed that this month, my love for you has deepened and gotten stronger and more intense. I love kissing your cheek, snuggling you and the way your hands rest on my breast when you're feeding. I love your smiles and the fact that you've become very chatty, engaging everyone in conversations and even talking to your mobile.

You've also become more independent. You don't like to just sit around being held and adored. Now you prefer sitting in your bouncy seat, playing with toys and chewing on your hands. Oh the chewing on your hands! It's like you've discovered that they're bacon flavored and are thinking, "What a grand invention! And they taste so good! Never leave me again! Oh great hands!"

As a result, I can't help but smile and laugh at your antics. But not in a mean way. You bring me joy that I have a hard time expressing because normally I'm such a smartass. But you make me intensely happy.

Part of me is glad for this independence -- we don't have to rock you to sleep anymore for naps or when you go to bed at night -- but part of me does miss the cuddling. It's in the back of my mind that you're soon going to be crawling and then walking and then it'll be "Mommy, don't hold me anymore." I don't know if I'm ready for all of that in the next couple of years. It's going to break my heart in small increments.

I also started work part-time this month, which was harder than I thought. I missed you while I was at the office and was wondering how you were doing. It was also hard juggling my role as mom (which I felt like I just got situated), work and other stuff. Not to mention, your surgery is coming in a few days. You probably won't remember a thing as you get older, but I can tell you that your mommy and daddy are trying their hardest to keep their shit together and not lose their cool.

I compare it to juggling. Before I was just juggling a ball and maybe some flaming torches and a couple of knives. But now, life has thrown at me a chainsaw to juggle with this mix. It's a little unwieldy, but thankfully your daddy and grandma have been a big help. Hopefully we'll all ease into this transition and we'll turn into the Flying Wallendas with our multitasking abilities. First it was work, then it was surgery, and in the future childproofing while on a unicycle!

And if anything, like the circus, I figure we'll be having a lot of fun in the midst of the chaos.

Love,

Momma