So where can I register for a roadie named Bart?

Jeff and I -- with a bit of help from Mike and Em -- just began the big, wide world of registering for baby gear. I'm still mindboggled about how much stuff a baby needs as well as the marketing that's used for it.

First thing we observed about the marketing is how it plays on your worst fears regarding your baby. For example, this monitor -- if no movement is detected in 20 seconds, then an alarm goes off. I couldn't help but imagine that a laser alarm system, similar to the one seen in Entrapment or any other heist films.

Really, I figured that a motion alarm would be needed for when our girl turns into a teenager and attempts to sneak out of the house.

Then there's the marketing that says that if you don't buy a certain product, your child's IQ will be subpar and they'll run off and marry Kevin Federline or something. For example, food with DHA and RHA. Nevermind the fact that those hormones are naturally found in breast milk, which is free (a bargain in comparison to the $90 for four huge containers of the stuff, which would apparently last a month or so if you use only that).

That's not to say that I'm going to be a breastfeeding Nazi and say that any mother who goes with formula is killing their child. I was fed formula and did alright -- I'm not a serial killer and I never married Kevin Federline or have a below-normal intelligence (my manners however are different). It's your choice, and given the judgement that you get as a parent, I'm not going to get in anyone grill for their decisions -- unless the kid ends of as a serial killer.

Speaking of the boob -- the utilitarian aspect of one's breasts are made aware at baby shops. We asked questions about pumps, pads needed to absorb leaking milk and even what salves are needed before your nipples toughen up to the vacuum onslaught of a hungry child. This is where you're reminded that the boob isn't just about sex -- it's about feeding a baby. After having all the Victoria Secret ads and stuff crammed in your face, it's a little weird to be talking about cracked nipples and soreness.

Marketing for babies too is similar to the bridal industry -- just slap the word "baby" onto anything, and you can jack the price up by 300 percent or so because parents feel that they need it for the perfect child.

One problem I have keeping a straight face through most things. When we were going through the registry process with the very nice sales person, I couldn't help but think of oddball things:

Sales person: "And if you need any help figuring out what stroller to buy, ask someone in a purple vest and they'll help you find what you want with cupholders, seats and other stuff."

Me (thinking): "Such as hydraulics and a subwoofer."

We're still not done. There's other stuff to buy and I swear it's disconcerting the amount of gear a baby needs -- washcloths, pacifiers, monitors, diapers (that's another post for another day), toys, blankets, stuffed animals, etc. I don't know if we have everything or not. The disconcerting feeling is that I know we can buy it later, but it's like we want to give our girl the best start possible, as opposed to my usual way of buying stuff ("Do we really need it? Can I live without it? Yes.").

I know I might be ripe for the baby marketing picking. That's why it's nice to have friends like Mike and Em who can say "You don't need that. That's stupid." or "You can get that cheaper elsewhere."

Now I understand why people buy minivans. It's not because they woke up one day and said, "You know what? I want a car that can hold a shitload of stuff and look as unsexy as possible. I want a minivan!" No, you buy a minivan for all the stuff a baby requires, as well as the road crew needed to haul it all.

Yes, we'll have the registry up eventually -- once it's perfected. Eventually. Why the hell are procrastinators like us having babies?