Eating alone can be dangerous

I was recently thinking about the Sex and the City episode, "They Shoot Single People, Don't They," and one particular moment that rang really true to me.

Long story short, Samantha's stood up at a restaurant, alone. No book, no magazine, no nothing to take away the fact that she's alone. That's something that really rings true to me.

Today, I had to work late and had some time to grab dinner -- alone. I didn't have a book or anything else to distract me so it was me with my thoughts.

I'm the kind of person who likes to keep her mind occupied like you would keep a puppy busy with a chew toy. I work well surrounded by other people, noises and conversation. I like loud music when I'm writing. I don't like quiet or stillness because the quieter it is, the more that stupid insecure voice that we all have starts talking.

Mine sounds like the mean girls in high school and junior high -- that kind of shrill cattiness. I get too introspective, too contemplative. I go over conversations with coworkers, friends, relatives in my head wondering if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. I start thinking about the past fucked-up friendships and acquaintances that went awry. In short, I obsess over every possible failing.

Try as I might to stop it, it doesn't stop. It's like shoving your finger into a leaky dam -- it might shore it up for a bit, but the rest of the neurosis will be along in a bit.

I used to try and stare them down in my head, but that never worked. You can't analyze yourself.

Maybe that's why I write a lot. I just want to get these neurosis out before it eats my brain. It's something to release the pressure before my insecurities really take over. I also like taking them out and poking fun at them. If you can laugh at your insecurities, it makes them seem less scary.

And as for dinner, I pulled out my cell phone and played Tetris until dinner came. Viva la hand held games!