Monday, January 10, 2005

I feel numb

Haven't been posting as of late because I don't have much to say. Actually -- I've been on a bit of a downer trip for the past month of so. It's frightening when friends notice it in instant messages.

I was talking to Keidra last night via IM, and she made the observation that I'm not sounding like my usual hypercaffinated, sociopathic, angry, funny self. I don't know if it's something like seasonal affective disorder, but my internal clock feels like it's running ssssssslllloooooooowwwwwwwllllllllyyyyyy. It's like sounds are muted, colors aren't as vibrant and all I can think about is sleeping, eating comfort food (I've been making a lot of stews and soups lately -- I think I'm turning into a hobbit) and moping around the house. Even video games don't hold the same appeal anymore (which is sick, since I'm a die-hard City of Heroes addict). Things haven't been as bright as before.

Admittedly work's been weird. I'm not doing my usual thing and the current thing (covering until we hire a new person) is a lot of administrative junk and not my usual stuff. It's mind-numbing in a way that isn't very good. I feel restless and tired at the same time and right now it's just irritating.

The good news is that we have hired someone to take over that spot so I won't be in this for long. The bad news is that it may take three weeks or so until they get here. *sigh*

What's aggravating is knowing that I don't feel like writing now. I don't have anything witty to say. The most I can think of at times is, "Blearg. I'm tired. Want sleep. Hey look. Stew."


Amanda said...


What I'm about to write is something I don't talk about often.

After I graduated college, I fell into a real funk. I covered it up pretty well on my blog by being funny, but in real life I felt, as you put it "numb". I didn't want to go out, I moped around the house, and the things I used to like held no joy for me anymore.

That feeling was gone the month I was in London because, hell, I was in LONDON. But, as soon as I got back to the states that "numb" feeling returned.

That feeling kept on through the fall. It would dissappear when I was at rehearsals, but as soon as I got home, I felt "numb" again. I got worse. I slept all day, I couldn't eat, I began crying a lot. Finally, at the urging of my parents I got help.

I've been in counselling for almost two months now, and things are getting better. This isn't an easy thing for me to write about, but what you wrote sounded so much like what I went through that I had respond.

Writing this post is a good sign, it means you recognize that there is a problem. The next step is to get help. You need to find someone to talk about everything you're feeling and going through. Your problems won't dissappear overnight (mine didn't, they still haven't), but you will be on the right path.

Just remember: what you're going through, it isn't your fault. If you need help that doesn't make you weak; we all need help at some point. And when you do get help, you'll come out of this ordeal a stronger person.

I'm sorry if this sounded long and preachy, but your post had me really concerned. Stay strong. You will get through this.

Viv said...

Thanks for the kind words Amanda. Most people close to me have been a bit worried, but I think that I can weather this storm. I've done it before and I can do it again with a bit of good humor, good company and a good sense of humor. It's not unusual for me to have these spells of bad energy and writing about it kinda helps a bit too. Even though it sounds a bit like a whiny, angsty 13-year-old.

Anonymous said...

please can someone tell me wat to do i feel numb all over my body and inside my bodyy and my heart feels numb i cant even cry i feel like crying all the time wat is happeinn to me please someone help me