Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The State of the Viv


Well. I can't believe I haven't written anything for nearly a month. Sorry about that. I have no excuses except that there's been other trifles in my life. And now, today is my birthday. I am the oldest I've ever been.

I'll confess that the past month has been a little rough on our house. Jeff's going through a job crisis and I've been presented with a lot of interesting opportunities for the future. One of them is freelancing for my old workplace, covering some of my old beat (but thankfully not everything. I don't I miss the insane hours) and another one I'll feel more comfortable discussing in the future.

When I look at the past year, I see that I've been busy doing one thing -- keeping the kid alive. The house hasn't burned down and I've been able to wrangle taking care of a child. I've been cooking more, which is great fun, writing more, which is FUCKING FABULOUS and enjoying life.

Then this past month happened and a lot of things I once knew are being shaken to the foundations. I don't feel comfortable going into all the detail. All I know is that I'll weather the storm and what happens, happens. We will survive and endure.

If anything, right now I'm thinking about the Tower Card from the Tarot deck:

No card scares a Tarot reader like the Tower - or the person they're reading for if that person knows anything about Tarot cards. It is however one of the clearest cards when it comes to meaning. False structures, false institutions, false beliefs are going to come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once. What's important to remember as a tarot reader is that the one you're reading for likely does not know that something is false. Not yet. To the contrary, they probably believe that their lover is being faithful, that their religious beliefs are true and right, that there are no problems in their family structure, that everything is fine at work...oh, and that they're fine. Just fine, really.

Alas, they're about to get a very rude awakening. Shaken up, torn down, blown asunder. And all a reader can really do to soften the blow is assure the Querent that it is for the best. Nothing built on a lie, on falsehoods, can remain standing for long. Better to tear it all down and rebuild on the truth. It is not going to be pleasant or painless or easy, but it will be for the best.

Admittedly, in moments like this, I'm going back to thinking about Tyler Durden and Fight Club. Even though he wasn't completely correct about everything, I know I'm going through a chaotic period when I'm thinking, "What would Tyler Durden do?"

Fall back. Let go. Flow. Rise. Destroy. Recreate. That's what he'd do.

And right now with what is going on, that's what I'm feeling right now. I know it's the right thing to do, but it's also kind of scary.

But, as my kid says, "It's kind of scary, but also fun." Truer words never spoken kiddo.